I wait

I wait,
for him to come home
for something to excite me
for light to creep on in

I wait,
to listen to my inner voice
to hear the voice
to trust myself enough

I wait,
for summer to come again
the sun to shine close and warm
the waves to crash in my ears

I wait,
for things to change
for money to somehow build
for us to get ourselves together

I wait,
to get ahead
to eat the foods my body craves
to give myself what I need

I wait,
for this, for that
for me, for you

I wait to wait again

I wait again and again
endlessly

nameless notes

Jumping up and down in excitement,
smiling wide and contagiously
my bright blue shirt, mixes with my bright blue eyes
the twinkle is breathtaking
here I am trying to feel light

Feeling heavy and stuck, dark and grey
like my brain is calcified, cemented
like my blood is black and dark
how can I shine like this?

Its like all inspiration is zapped
nothing left to flow
but there is so much,
I can feel it trapped inside a box deep down inside
I want to sleep,
but even that takes energy

I cling on to him
he soothes the burning in me somehow
with quietness and continual flow
his light is always aglow

Forgiveness

Hi Lovely Readers!!

It's been a while since I've posted a blog. I went through a week of feeling down on myself and re-living my darkness and shame. Then I went through a week of feeling like I didn't want to share anything, I didn't speak to anyone really. Then I spent about another week just enjoying the silence. Words all seem so illusionary because no one can ever truly understand what your saying. I say that because we all have our own assumptions and understandings of words, a word may have completely different meaning from one person to the next. It reminds me of that whispering game I played in Girl Guides when I was a kid, when one person whispers a sentence to the person beside them and then that person whispers to the next person, by the time it makes it back to the original person its usually a completely different sentence! Lost in translation.

Then this past week i have started writing bits and pieces again. This journey of life I'm on is so intense, know what I mean? (I imagine you nodding your head) And today my focus is FORGIVENESS!!

I am forgiving myself for everything I've thought I should be or I should do. (Well I'm trying to.) I forgive myself for not being perfect. I say that again. I forgive myself for not being perfect!!

I have uncovered a core belief I have. It's that I must be perfect. I didn't realize this was existing in me AS MUCH as it was/is. You see, I am messy, unorganized, unruly, and rebellious so it would seem that perfection is not important to me. What actually is going on is giving up. I strive for perfection and half way through realize I can't get it perfect, it will never be perfect. My perfectionism is impossible in this world. No matter how hard i try it will NEVER be perfect, so I give up. I give up because if I kept striving for something I know i can't achieve then I would fall short, i would be a failure. In order to "protect" myself from this I have blocked out my perfectionist-ness. It creeps up on me, and often I am down on myself and not exactly knowing why. I have touched on this perfect topic many times, but I still haven't released it fully.
I don't know the answer. I don't know how to make it all okay. I don't know.

But I forgive myself, as hard as that seems at this moment. I still have that belief "you should be perfect, you don't get to be forgiven." But there is this deep calm, deep love, I weep in the presence of such love. It feels like a long time since I allowed this love in.

Deep suction, deep inner pink,

fuzzy, soft, glow singing gently

motherly embrace

as I cry my tears, she holds me tight

"You are perfect" she says but how can I be?

She smiles and looks to me, those eyes, 

their mine,

this comfort, 

its me, 

that beautiful voice, 

is mine.

Like a million stars integrated into one being

pushing each other, feeling unloved and forgotten

"what about me?"

soft light blue light sweeps in dusting the darkness away

An empty room

I sit in sweet silence. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMhSTYStP6o This beautyfilled song is by Cora Flora, A beautiful soul sister.

This is the colourful grey area

Sometimes I think that you are my half,
sometimes you seem to know everything that is happening within me,
I send yellow light to you and you wake up to everything, now,
You look to me and suddenly are accepting

Its like everything in between the dark and the light
held within the yin and the yang, no extremes,
this is opposite, the grey area

Sometimes I think you will never understand
as you seem to have this power that pushes me
I fight it, I detest it,
yet in the end I come out shiny and new
I still hate you for it
And I Love you so deeply too

It's not death or life
Its not black or white
I love you
yet I love me too

I surrender to not knowing
And now i know it all

Freedom

Ever notice what freedom looks like?

Type in freedom in Google and look at the pictures, what do you see?

What is the body language of freedom?

It looks like this;

Arms raised outward and upward, head slightly back, heart open. FREEDOM.

Do it, now! 

I'm doing it.

Let the light i my friends, feel the love radiating from you, from your heart center.

This is freedom.

Astral Projection baby!

I remember you
Parts of us
begin to surface

its a dream
an old memory
I do not sleep now

Drumming and chatter
Authentic beats hit the hollow drum
reverberating off me
An old woman sings loud
someone is drumming a menacing sound

(but) This place is holy
Beloved mother,
(the fear is gone)

The Orcas! we are them
carving our passages of song
we swim through sandstone with ease

I see my life
running through it in a blur
I am a boy on the beach
and a wise man in a trail
I am an Orca in the bay
and a Raven too

Sweet moments are held here
deep resonance with sound
the sound is waves

the lap over me and I surf
trusting in just the right moment
all so twisted in a magical song

Each beat brings me back to you
Flashes of life in a different hue.

As it comes- free flow poem

I am flowing with life as it comes
like a stream rippling in sweet sound
curling in towards me and flowing past
surrendering to what comes
releasing what goes

As it comes,
life shall bring us gifts to please
As it comes,
life shall bring hunger, perhaps disease
As it comes,
strength renewed and faith grows
As it comes,
we know not where we will go

This time is new,
excitement all around
we cheer and dance
in our enlightened
Never seen before,
tricks and treats for all

the patterns all flow together,
into the stream and dancing with glee
all the directions are one
swirling in
it doesn't matter where you go
we will all meet at once

It happens now
you can let go
no need to wait
the train is here
You are the conductor
watch you go

Welcome the wind
let the grey wash away
love it and it release it
bless it gently, on its way

The mirrors are all in place,
you may see monsters and ghosts
children, Goddesses and wise men
you are them all,
stay in peace,
see it now and you shall see
the web of synchronicity

Learn we will
what our thoughts bestow
the gift of sight,
perception of one
old bright lights will renew our glow

magnificence we are
multifaceted windows and doors
magnets of attraction
disguised in flesh
a veil of delicate silk
beautiful rays radiating through

You do not need a map
directions or tales
Just bring yourself
And stay with you

Off i go with the flow
till next time,
Let our hearts grow.

My Home

This post is completely me! My face, body, heart, mind and spirit, ...my home! 

Hiking the Grouse Grind

Top of the Mountain

A beautiful Garden Rose and a beautiful me 

Carrots I grew!

Totally in love with nature, gardening and food!

Glowing

Being one with the mossy tree

Smelling my home grown sage is amazing aromatherapy

Big grin, blue eyes

The house of Anise

I flew last night again! I was walking and flying, I love that. I Love FLYING in my dreams. It's so amazing, it reminds me of HOME.

We were all there, the Reimers, my Dad and his side of the family but this time there was an extremely important man who was there with me. My brother, Cam! Cam and I were floating in Coon bay on floaties, talking, and crying. It was the best of cries, I cleared a lot of stuff. I was scared that this was our last time on Galiano. I was scared that it would be destroyed. It symbolizes my sense of home, and all throughout the dream there was a recurrent theme of home. Cam and I were talking REAL, we were being REAL. It was amazing and much needed.

Then Kiel and I flashed to Sooke, to my old house where I grew up. My Mom was still living there (which she doesn't anymore) when we got there she was meditating (which as far as I know she doesn't do). Then Shelby, Trinity and a bunch of women came and took Mom away for the day and they didn't invite me to come. I felt like an outsider and it hurt.

I went through the house, looking at all the trinkets and beautiful little things. I saw such gorgeous special little things, and plants everywhere. Plants I had given Mom when I was a kid, but some of them were the same size- they had not grown. I thought this was strange, now that I am awake I feel the symbolism has to do with things I haven't dealt with yet, they are still waiting for me, never forgotten. I went through my old room and it was full of beautiful flowers like I was dead. I wanted to steal the flowers. I searched through Moms stuff and wanted to steal money to leave with. Then I realized all the women and my Mom were outside on the front lawn. It was so weird. I felt invisible. I hadn't been home in 7 years, and yet they were not interested in even seeing me. I craved to be with them but I didn't include myself, I made myself an outsider, yet I felt like it was them making me an outsider. 

Cam's voice is unique. It's very soothing. It tells me everything is going to be ok without having to say it. His smile is just like mine but opposite. It comes out often, and with a laugh, his teeth go inward instead of mine that go outward. 

I realized from this dream. I chose this soul path. It's nothing I can't handle. It's everything I can handle. Everything I CHOSE to learn. I take responsibility for my life! This is HUGE! I take responsibility for my life! 

I realized that my sense of home is pretty shattered. I am often wishing to go home but  dont know where that is. It's been since I was 6. I used to cry and say "I want to go home" and people would be like "you are home" but it didn't feel like it. Last summer on Galiano Island, as I was crying and walking through a trial, I found myself once again wanting to go home and not knowing where it is. Then I was out of my body and remembered that I am much more than my human mind and self. I remembered that this world is not my home, I'm not from here, and that home is where my soul is from. I felt ok with living out a human life not knowing exactly where home is, because I do KNOW it exists, I know this because I wouldn't yearn for it if it didn't exist.

I just realized something about home on a walk!! Well I'm not so sure I realized it, I think spirit whispered it into my ear. I do have a home. A real physical home. I've always had it and as long as I live in my body I will have it!! My HOME IS MY BODY.

My Home is my body. The house of Anise, the beautiful house of Anise is glorious! I am so excited to decorate my home, to clean my home, to cleanse and purify my home. I'm so excited to accent my home, to cherish it, and to LOVE it.

My home is a unique one of a kind home, my home is a woman, but she looks like a girl. My home has curly beautiful hair, with thin strands but many many strands so it looks thick. My home aches in the morning and after I am too hard on it.

I have broken my house so many times, I walked all over my home. I wished for a nicer home, a palace, I wished for different colours, straight hair, bigger breasts. I told my home from a young age that she was no good. I tried to run from my home but she was always with me, always continuing to love me and do her best to keep me alive. I wished to be more womanly but then I would scour at my home if I saw that I put on a few pounds. My home is cold and often I submerse her in showers and baths of heat.

I fucking LOVE my home right now!! I am glowing and dancing as I sit here and type, my home is shining bright for me to see. "Welcome home" my home says.

I am weeping. I'm sorry home. I never meant to start a war, I never meant to wreck you. I'm sorry I haven't cherished you. All I can hear from my home is "it's ok", that it doesn't hate me, It never did. It always kept me alive, my home has loved me since I was born, even before then. My home tells me to come in now. She says "Welcome! I've waited so long for you, I have kept your temperature perfect for all who live inside, I have kept the flow, I have sent oxygen to all of those who need it in here, we are an ocean in here, we are magic, We all love you, From stomach to anus, from Hair to sweat, every skin cell, every follicle, We all love it when you sing, when you dance, we love sunlight, we love water, we love it when you take care of us, but we still love you when you don't, we understand. Come over here, to the lungs, and breathe, we are the stars, for all to see. Now to the legs, see how they rock and move, see how they are bursting with energy. We, sweet child, are not fans of tough love, but we have accepted it all these 24 years, we know you hate tough love, we cry with you, we hide with you, we curl up into fetal position for you. But child, we and you, wish to FLY! Open us up! We are in this together. You are Never alone. Feel those goosebumps? Spirit is with us now. We are dancing inside and outside, isn't it amazing how you don't even have to think, we just move and flow together. You don't have to tell us what to do, we know just as you know."

Since I was 6 years old, I have thought I was this dark being, this BAD being. I have had times of love and sunshine and self love, but I vacillated between dark and light. I developed rheumatoid arthritis an auto-immune disease (My body attacks itself because my mind attacks itself), as well as chronic fatigue and chronic urinary tract infections, head aches, swollen glands, sore muscles and stiff and sore joints. My arthritis is migratory meaning it shows up where ever it would like to. Its usually worse when I eat foods with low vibrations, like meat, and processed foods, its worse when I am depressed or hating myself, its worse when I drink too much alcohol or coffee, when I eat too much cheese and dairy and chocolate, when i am too rough on my body, when I grunt and just do it, like carrying too many bags and things. When I don't exercise enough or when I exercise too much. I found out it was arthritis when I was 17, I went 11 years of my life wondering what the hell was wrong with me, in and out of the doctors office only to be told "I'm not sure what's wrong, come back if it gets worse" and when we did come back there was never any solutions. It's so funny when I look at it all now, duh! I'm sensitive, I'm uber sensitive!! And that's ok! I'm not gonna beat myself up over it anymore, I will cherish my fragile and uber sensitive home. What a smart home I have, to be able to ache when low vibrations come whizzing through. What a wonderful home, reminding me to clear out the pain, to clean house and feel better.
Sensitive = does not put up with shit!

 I am chronically tired because I'm so tough on myself, so tough on my body, my mind, my spirit. Tough I am, but I am done. I am moving towards gentleness now. I am gentle. I promise body, mind and spirit to be gentle and loving towards you now, and when i forget I will still be gentle with myself. I make mistakes and they are beautiful. 

Welcome Home Beautiful

I enter 

I sit tall

legs crossed

writing

I feel my breath

I flow to the music

my hands meet in prayer 

my body sways

pure love in and out

Forgiven

Accepted

Always

Daisies

Imperfect daisy

Last night I was reading a book of Spells, although i don't like that name because of what it just made you think of. It's not spells as in evil magic or anything like that. It's a collection of old ceremonies and things that people did centuries ago. Some of it I'm not sure I believe myself, but I want to. I love magic. Good magic, energy, and fantasy like magic. I love nature and cycles, and intention, put those together and you get magic of sorts. I found a "spell" that I wanted to do. It is called "Finding your life purpose." It seems that I am always finding my life purpose over and over and so I just though maybe I could get a little more clarity. In the "spell" involves 7 daisies, and the book says you must do it when daisies are in season. Well, that's a bummer because they are not right now! I remember thinking "I need 7" and thinking perhaps somewhere I will find daisies and I'll remember to pick 7.
Well! I did find 7 daisies! Last night in my dreams. I was walking and found a patch of them, I picked seven of them, some of them were loosing their petals, and some of them did not look beautiful like daisies do but I still collected them and planned on doing the spell.
Remembering the dream and the excitement I had around finding these daisies makes me feel content and happy. Like a blessed child. I was given a gift last night, and a message to decode. The decoding part I'm sure will evolve and change as I open to new grander meanings. Right now it seems that the Universe is aiding me to find my Life Purpose and letting me know I do not have to wait for the season to change to begin. The daisies are ready and so am I. The feeling of the dream is one of magic. Like a loving hand, God's glorious hand, came down out of the clouds and with a smile decided to share some daisies with me. Beautiful. Daisies are symbolical of wisdom. Because the daisies in my dream were not perfect, it shows me that this purpose is not a perfect path that once I am on I will never feel pain or negativity. It shows me once again to let go of my idea of perfection. It just feels so free and loving, I have the tools, now! I already have them. So beautiful and peaceful. I am so thankful for my dreams, for remembering them, for feeling the lovely entities, God, energy and love in my dreams.

dark vortex

darkness

swirling vortex

everything blurs

grays, blacks and odd white patches

distorted faces with hanging mouths

lifeless eyes and turning necks

crushes my head

i try to run but cant see the way

head crushing

neck crunching

close my eyes

deny entry

wish to cry but can't find the energy

I'm not afraid for fear is a luxury here

i am lost

i am non-existent

put me in my cell

lock the doors, bar the windows

i will only disappoint you again and again

for i am a failure

it is written in my name

I am alone

searching is my game

a fool playing a foolish game

but who is the fool?

I meet her dead on

her majestic eyes are filled with depth

we look at each other

mirror images

she puts out her hand

my crushing head rushes through my ears

my stomach lurches

but I calmly grab her hand

music blasts and we are dancing now

running through a path in the vortex

I see dark purples and blues now

shes is beautiful

she guides me through

clenching jaw still tight

my brows and neck ache

she turns around on the path

puts her hand up to my head

In a different language she sings

feel the pain

welcome it as a friend

for this is only temporary

have you forgotten again?

I go on

dancing and weaving

the fog begins to rise

dissipating from the corners of my eyes

the crushing is gone

I start to hunger for life

memories of greatness

counting my blessings

how much I am given

How much I am

We slow to a walk

I look around

The storm is over

I don't know when

Storm Chaser with an interesting twist!

I love natural disasters and storms. They are so captivating, mysterious, and energetic. I love how all of the elements come together; wind, water, fire, earth, and spirit.
Concentrating. Building. Growing. Energetic. Unite.
Destruction. Death. Rebirth. Cleanse. New Beginnings. Nature. Respect. Deep.

The cycles upon cycles, cylindrically come together in a surge of power and expression.
Somehow storms are spiritual to me. I feel it very strongly.
Tidal waves wash away, and cleanse. They cleanse the spirit, they open the heart, cleanse you of distractions from what life is really about. Remind you about togetherness, community, love, gratitude, spirit, and LOVE (worth saying twice.)

The calm within the storm. The eye of the storm. Is like the third eye, if you can see through your third eye and you can become the witness, you become calm, even in the scariest most horrifying hours.
There is a stillness of storms, and disasters that draw me in. It's kind of like when I go to the PNE and get on a crazy ride. I would be terrified, but as long as I just didn't look at "the whole" of the ride I was fine. If I just focused on my seat and where I was in each moment, I could ride the ride. If I looked forward of where we were going, or back to where we just came from, I'd freak out. "We are about to get spun like 5 times omg!! I'm gonna fly out! I'm gonna smack my head! I'm gonna throw up!" But, when I just stayed in each and every moment right now, I was fine. I was calm. I felt safe.

Surge. Energy. Water. Wind. Power. Builds. Funnel. Spiral, the golden number. The golden number is a spiral, just like our DNA, tornadoes, storms, mega storms, our solar system, Universe, and there are millions of other phenomenon's of the golden number.

Power, humble. Trust. If it's time (to live or die), It's time. I've always thought if a tidal wave came suddenly and we had no warning, I wouldn't run. There would be no time and I don't want to waste my last minutes in fear. I'd surrender and enjoy the beauty and power. The overwhelming power. Embrace the power. Respect. Don't die in fear.

Emergency, community, work together. Tribe. Together. Help. Support.
I've always been fascinated by natural disasters. Envisioned and imagined the calm after the chaos. The rush of energy during. Surrender to nature, to disaster.

This reminds me of a dream I had last night. Surrender to disaster. In the dream I ruined a bridge that everyone was building, it was a community thing. I was going to fall off a cliff or I was going to "contaminate" the bridge, and selfishly I contaminated it. The bridge cracked all the way up from one end to the other. All of the hard work was ruined, and it was all my fault. It was all my fault. People were running around screaming, like a natural disaster had happened. Maybe it was a natural disaster in that world. People were running and yelling, the wind was blowing, it was dark. My boss was so mad at me, I was done. Everyone knew that I was the fool now. No more hiding. I kept telling people "I did it, I wrecked the bridge." "It was me, It's my fault." And, you know whats weird, is that I felt a sense of relief. A weight came off my shoulders because now I wasn't perfect and I couldn't pretend that I was anymore. It was obvious that I was a fuck up. I fucked it up ROYALLY and the whole world could see. I even remember thinking in my dream "Well I'll never be royal now."

So maybe the lesson is that my subconscious wants me to realize that I'm still trying to be perfect. I'm carrying that weight. And I feel it right now, sitting on my shoulders, it digs deep into my bones, into my back, my neck, my muscles, it even is connected to my stomach, my jaw is clenching. I feel I'm on the brink of tears. Like a storm is rising up in me. I have been beating myself up again. Just realized it now. I call myself lazy. I guilt myself. I tell myself I'm a failure and that I should be doing so much more. To be honest, I am tired. I'm always tired. I don't know whats wrong with me, (URCH) well ha. Doesn't that look funny. I know exactly whats wrong with me! I just said that I expect myself to be perfect, and explained all the symptom's which I really had never realized. I hadn't seen it laid out in front of my like that. I love writing. It's therapy.
I am not perfect. I'm scared of not being perfect. I'm scared of doing something wrong, I don't want to be punished. I don't want to be overpowered. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want dark, thick, menacing energy poured into me. 
That's the kicker-- I don't want dark, thick, menacing energy poured into me so I try to be perfect. It will never work, this I know. I can, empower myself to rise up to the energy. I can. I can let it flow right through me without clinging or hanging on.
I'm a fake! I'm a fake, I'm fake! (Just felt the need to get that out.)
I smile, when I feel shitty. I watch what I say, always, I watch what I think even. I watch to see how you are watching me. I'm stiff and stuck. I get trapped in my head, my body wont move.
I want to be a storm and break through. I'm going to wreck myself. I allow the surge of energy into my body. It will destroy the old, it will wash it away. My tribe inside will come together, my community inside. I will fill up with energy, rebirth, cleansed to my new beginnings. 
A deep cleanse, Spirit-full. 
If I remain the witness I will stay in the eye of the storm. I'll feel it, I embrace it, surrender to it. 
Catch my breathe, one swift uplift, when air I can't breathe, and overwhelming calmness comes over me. Deep respect of nature. Deep respect of spirit, life, the Universe. my minds worries are petty. I feel the tidal wave coming for me. Wash me. I embrace you. 

Lately (poem)

Lately I am like the weather,
Grey and full of moisture,
heavily I loom,
bright and bouncy at times,
My eyes are half open

Lately I am like a flower,
My body is half sore,
I am open and vulnerable,
saying goodbye to my petals,
leaning over far too much

Lately I am like a cloud,
collecting and growing,
I want to go forward,
I feel pulled back, held back,
stuck with all the others

Lately I am a falling leaf,
last blow,
lost touch,
falling to the ground,
emptiness below takes my breath away

Lately I am like a snowflake,
breaking free from the rest,
trust the fall,
I see patterns within patterns,
I am dancing in flow

Lately I am like a raindrop,
melting into the unknown,
warming my core,
metamorphism,
I feel warm and blurry

37 reasons why you want to hire me

37 reasons why you want to hire me (to write);

1. I am a young, vibrant, creative woman with a flare and natural ability to express myself through writing. I am constantly changing. evolving and growing. My life is a series of revelations, breakthroughs and realizations. 
2. I believe in miracles, and I notice them. Gratitude is my attitude.
3. My artistic abilities are endless. Creativity is the name of my game. 
4. I learn from everything that happens and how I react to them. I crave to learn and am willing to learn.
5. I am one of the most passionate and sensitive people you will ever know. I know my faults and I am not scared of them anymore. We all have faults. I am scatterbrained at times (because I have so many things to think about and know more about). I am messy- its an artistic thing, and I am learning how being clean and organized helps me flow so much better. I am sensitive and sometimes over-sensitive. I'm not perfect but often I feel that I should be (I am working on accepting myself the way I am.) I don't always give myself the credit I deserve (which I'm also working on.) Sometimes its not about being the best, its about being yourself. That is the most beautiful person you can be; Yourself.
6. I speak and write with riddles and sunshine. My writing flows beautifully. I am told I am gifted with words. Words are the air I breathe, yet I am always striving for better understanding of how to express myself.
7. When I put it down on paper, it all comes together. I can see so much clearer when it's laid out in front of me rather than bouncing around in my head. 
8. My wisdom is beyond my earthly age. I am only 24 years old.
9. I will surprise you, often in ways you never expected.
10. I live, act and write through Inspiration that is not of this world (Inspiration = In spirit). I know how to tap into Inspiration and I find a great joy in supporting others to tap into their inspirational flows.
11. I am unstoppable.
12. I am only starting to know my inner power- watch out world- a star is being born.
13. I am kind, compassionate, and caring to my very core.
14. My greatest wish is PEACE for everyone and everything. I want to do good for everything and everyone I come in contact with.
15. I write my heart out daily, nightly, I even write in my sleep. My dreams come alive and feed my soul.
16. When I'm not writing, I'm trying to remember the inspiration that just came to me, so I can write it down later.
17. You want to see me flourish. You want to support my dream of making a living while writing so I can share my gift without being zapped of energy from a "day job." You are Inspired by me, and you see so many other who are as well. You see the value in my work.
18. I am meant for this. I am a writer. I know my greatness, I feel my huge potential, all I need is someone to trust me and give me a chance. It will happen, I know it.
19. I am knowledgeable and passionate about many topics including; Alternative health, fitness, philosophy, environmental topics, body language, yoga (especially yin yoga!), expression, spirituality, art, nature, animals, magic, miracles, love, sex, people, birth, death, cycles, childhood, trauma, pain, pleasure, teaching, learning, dance, music...and I can go on. 
20. I paint pictures in your mind using only words. My brush strokes fill your senses and the fresh paint entices your wonder.
21. I don't know it all.
22. I try to see from everyone's perspective. I put myself in your shoes.
23. My heart is HUGE. I truly and utterly CARE. 
24. I am gifted with simplicity.
25. I flow with life. I strive to live a love-based life rather than a fear-based life. It may seem like my head is in the clouds, but I am also grounded to mother earth with roots of sensibility. What may be real to you may be an illusion to me. What may be an Illusion to you, may be real to me. 
26. No one can take my dreams from me. If you tell me "I can't", I show you how "I can." 
27. Nothing is for sure. Nothing is solid or fact. Everything is energy- and even that I do not know for sure.
28. You have been searching for me, although you may not know it. You will know it, once I fill that Anise-shaped-hole you never knew you had. I am the missing piece. (You are also my missing piece.)
29. My life will never be the same, and neither will yours. 
30. If I was you, I'd give me a chance.
31. I contribute ALL I can.
32. If I am valued and appreciated I will shine so bright you will be warm from my glow.
33. This is what I've always wanted. This is my life theme. I've moved from one love or passion, to the next, but always wrote about it. Now, I see, this is it. Writing is my calling. 
34. I speak my truth. 
35. I have many loves of my life, I LOVE a lot. I've always got more love to give.
36. You won't be disappointed.
37. You already want to hire me.

37 wishes

37 wishes;

1. To sing my heart out, beautifully, with CONFIDENCE.
2. To hear my voice the way I know I can hear it inside.
3. To active my inner power and have oodles of money.
4. To live and love with Kiel, for a long long time.
5. To continue spiritually awakening and realizing my consciousness.
6. To work through my issues, have my answers about past lives and pains answered so I may string everything together and see it as the intricate web it is.
7. To see energy better, more clearer
8. To understand more about how I am an energetic sponge and how to harness my abilities
9. Harness my spiritual gifts
10. Make a living doing what I love
    
11. Have a beautiful HOME that is mine and Kiel's 
12. Write books, write blogs, write children stories, write poems, songs and be appreciated for them
13. Express all that's inside me, all the greatness and the potential
14. To be valued and appreciated
15. To support and encourage the Universe, The Earth, the sun, the moon, the stars
16. Share and spread love and light
17. To give my family money to buy homes and live close to each other so we can all be together
18. TOGETHERNESS
19. Interconnectedness
20. Health and Happiness
21. Never stop Dreaming and never feel shame for my dreams
22. Be wild
23. Be FREE
24. Freedom, flying. I wish to fly again
25. Swim underwater and breathe
26. Play with the sea and its inhabitants 
27. Swirl with white fabrics in gleams of sunlight with the warm wind flowing through
28. To have an abundance of freedom in everything we do
29. To flow with life and love
30. To learn everything we will
31. To change our lives, create beautiful and meaningful moments
32. To drive fast 
33. Not care what others think of us
34. To be free of our minds, and everyone else's too
35. To be creative and artistic in art, music, dance, and ways I can't even fathom
36. To grow beautiful plants, flowers, trees, herbs, shrubs, succulents, and flora
37. To be Grateful every minute, for everything I have and am

Death

I thought I was okay with death. But as I saw this morning I am not there yet. I saw a slain wolf on Facebook and my proud friends smiling over the carcass, I couldn't help but cry and sob. I see my kitty laying their dead, I see my wolf-side slain, I see the spiritual leaders that I associate with the wolf, with laying there lifeless. I suppose when I die, rather than people crying over the loss of me, I would like them to stand proud and smile over my body. I would like them to use my body to feed the wolves, to give my lungs to people who cannot breathe, to share my hair among those who cannot grow theirs. Use my teeth as trinkets, reminders of my power, my greatness. Reminders of the miracles of physical bodies. If I had a beautiful fur coat I want them to enjoy it too. I want to keep them warm with the coat I use to wear proudly.

What hurts is that we don't know enough about wolves, but we are quick to acknowledge the dark side of them, and kill them for their "faults." As we do in many other areas of this life, and I suppose that is what truly hurts me. The reality that I see is that we are the reason, we are the cause. Wolves need large roaming areas, one of the largest of all animals. There home range is massive, because they have are roamers, travelers, nomads. We take the lands and claim them as ours, when they are not. The wolves know this. They come to take their birth rights, their means for survival and we blame them.

As I was crying I was trying to figure out "why." The dreaded "WHY! WHY! WHY! Is this world so cruel and understanding? WHY can't I save the world, WHY can't I make it all okay"

This only propelled my tears and sorrow. As soon as I recognized this "why" sorrow filled part of me, I realized it is my ego. My lovely ego friend. I cried with and for my Ego, I did not shrug it off as an over emotional and sensitive side. I cherish my ego. It is also my inner child. Little Anise is sad. She does not like death. I imagined me and little Anise on the couch, crying together. I held her, and I held her tight. I Acknowledged her fears, her compassion and her deep sorrow. She cries and imagines herself as a wolf. Laying on the ground slain, her body draining of its warmth, fire, and life. She imagines people taking pictures with her body, and proud of their kill. She feels NO hatred for the people. She loves the people. She does not even wish anything upon them except love and acceptance. She surrenders to death. She knows she cannot control it. She also knows we all die, She would have died at some point, and in this scenario the Universe has contracted this form of death for her, all for learning purposes. She no longer hates death. Thanks to me! Big Grown up Anise for acknowledging her and allowing her to come to terms with the lack of control we have over death, and how it is BEAUTIFUL. We are dancers in this uni-verse (one song) and we fall when we are meant to. We are caught by the crowd below us that we cannot see. They comfort us, they hold us tighter than possible on earth. They wrap us in Grace, they fill us up again, with our renewed death. Oh beautiful young death.

The lone wolf represents me.

"I am a wolf, you may slaughter me"

This does not mean that my inner child looks for death, or tells people, you may kill me. She does not lay her head and wait for death. But she recognizes that when death comes for her, all she can do is surrender. Be humble, be thankful for all that is, and what is to come. She knows once shes gone from this physical plane she will soar among spirit again. Perhaps the wolf was ready to go. It knew what was waiting on the other side. The lone wolf was ready to meet its heart, soul and be part of the all-knowing again. This wolf is gone, perhaps its spirit is with me now, and she is telling me to embrace life, which in turn means embracing death. 

It seems that death is all around me now. My garden is dying. The tomato vines are brown and hanging pulled down by the weight of the green rotting tomatoes that once thought perhaps they would turn red and return to the ground as seeds. The sunflowers are still blooming, but the earlier blooms hang their heads now, toward the ground rather than the sun they once praised. Their petals have fallen. They know they are no longer young and beautiful. They ask me if I will still love them, and I radiate YES, my beauties you are always beautiful to me. When you die, I will carry on your legacy with your seeds of life.

It seems like many people are feeling death these days. I am in touch with a blogger who recently faced the fears of her own death, and released it all back into the earth. Just this morning I read another death related post on Facebook from a friend who has lost someone, and her new outlook on life and how precious it is to live and not make excuses anymore. I turned on the tv, and there was "Long Island Medium" the show all about death and the messages our loved ones want us to receive. The biggest most prominent message I see is that our loved ones want us to "EMBRACE LIFE."

Embrace life to the fullest. Cry when you need to. Embrace all aspects of yourself. Embrace death. Embrace endings, know that life is not linear like we may believe. Life is eternal, it is a circle, there is no end in a circle. Death is the birth of new. Death is like the caterpillar turning to a butterfly. The caterpillar has no idea, it thinks it is dying in its cocoon. It surrenders to the plan greater than it, and it awakens into a beautiful flying being. Free to soar and spread its beauty. I often think that butterfly's are messages from spirits and from the spirit realm. Butterfly's are an example of life after death, and how amazing our true selves are.

Picture time

This is me after I "found myself" (I realized that one of my beloved guides that I adored is actually MY spirit!) I wept, I laughed, I felt proud, and in my power. Able to feel my capability, my value, and my beauty.

                           

Sunflowers in the Garden are MIGHTY tall!

Get out that frustration Girl!

Tag along from the Grape Vine, I thought it looked like a crown

Will you still love me, when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

YES Dear Sunflower

Thanks for checking out my Blog! Lots of Love to ya!

A few facets of me

My mind has been whirl wind lately and I haven't given myself the chance to truly come down until yesterday. I'm seeing a fog in my head again, I am trusting it is part of the process. In order to experience seeing clearly one must learn what it is to see fog. A grey swirling smog that surrounds my head. Sunshine pours through at times, streaming with its lovely warmth. The whole picture will be revealed only when I am ready to see it.

I have been learning a lot about my Ego. My ego is not bad, and neither is yours. Ego's are our minds, are minds are not bad. I'm learning to love my Ego. My Ego is my friend, and protector.

Becoming aware of myself from an outside perspective is how I slow my ego right down. I move away from judging things good or bad, I stop commenting, stop spitting out my perspective, my ideas, my experiences. I start to just be. Allowing everything that is happening to happen and simply observing it.

I had a dream about it suddenly being my 25th Birthday. I was shocked, I kept checking over and over, it's my birthday? I'm 25?! It felt like 25 was a BIG year for me. It felt like, 25 was monumental, It was a soul remembering thing. My soul knows 25 means something in this life. I feel the best year ever coming on. A point in my life, in the dream I couldn't believe it. It was an awakening, I'm not sure of the complete meaning yet, but I've had many signs and reminders. It seems to have some value, this dream of mine.

Being a model. I have always wanted to be a model but I use think I wasn't pretty enough. Now I accept myself and my beautiful body. I would love to have more photos of me, with "spirit junkie" themes. Like Goddess photo shoots outdoors, in nature, in the ocean, with crystals, doing yoga, playing guitar, meditating. I love my body, and it's pretty fun being able to learn about different angles and lines in my face and body. I feel like my body and body language is just another form of art. I am a unique flower, and so are you. I also had the inspiration of dressing differently, parting and styling my hair differently, and playing with makeup to produce completely different visual effects each day. Just to shake things up. Keep people guessing, keep myself guessing. I am a spirit with many other expressions than the simple "Anise" card I have been playing. There is so much more to me! Although I do love Anise every bit, There's just so much more than the security of my ego saying "this is your box, your walls are your labels, and you will be comfortable in here, you'll be safe." Thank- you Ego, I appreciate it so very much. But now I'd like to plunge into my life and spirit completely. I'm ready to live outside the lines, outside the box, outside the labels. I transcend beyond words, perceptions and opinions. I am a star. A huge energy ball with intricate and complex facets and portals. I am a multidimensional being, here to shine the brightness of the Universe and its Radiant LOVE. And so are you.

THE ART OF ASKING

Ask without shame, When we really see each other, We want to help each other.

I watched this video, and I don't have words to describe the feeling. It's like I found another piece of myself. He talk is an amazing message, her way of expressing herself is very similar to mine, and I love her ambiance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TT6qWghHkFI 

A few notes I took from the 18-ish min video;

Speak your truth and time will expand

Share my truth and I will be of the highest service

Where would you have me go, 

what would you have me say, 

what would you have me wear? 

Whatever you WANT. (what feels good, what feels the best, because that is guidance communicating to you a big; YES!)

1. Willingness to change-  "I am ready to change"

2. Full blown surrender - "I surrender to what I cannot control, I know when to know if I am powerless or not and when I am I will not harm myself by trying to interfere, I Surrender to the highest good. 

3. Forgiveness is a full time job - "I forgive everyone, I forgive you, I forgive myself all day long."

4. Expect Miracles - "I see miracles! It's a miracle! I am a miracle. Miracles are everywhere."

One last thing. Seriously, Lets Goof around!!
Dance! Now! 2 minutes, put a song on you love that gets you moving, and shake it! Smile. Receive the awesome miracles that is this earthly experience!

My ego rears it's ugly and beautiful heads, and I am neither.

Today before I really start my day I gotta write this out so I don't lose it along the journey of my awakening. This weekend I have shifted and opened so much more. It's exciting and amazing, and surprising yet familiar.

1. My Rose Quartz heart necklace broke, it fell off my neck and smashed on the tile. It was a gift from a friend I met 3 summers ago and worked with. She is a free spirit and colourful inspiring person to be around. I'm not sure why it broke, the sense from it was that my heart is going to break. I'm choosing to not think of it as a bad way. Maybe my heart will break so it can heal up better than it was before, a new heart, a divine heart. Perhaps it was just the high vibrations that made it smash. I know during a video I watched with Teal Scott one of her crystals shattered because there was a very strong energy from a guide in the room and guides vibrate highly. Crystals vibrate highly as well so the energy can be transferred to the crystal and be too high causing it to shatter. I don't believe in coincidences anymore, so I know its something. 

2. I became obsessed with the twin flame idea. Originally when I found out about twin flame/soul I loved the concept. The first concept I conceptualized is that my twin flame is a part of me, its not any other person. Like my masculinity is right here with me now, inside me, outside me, balancing with my yin (femininity).

I am very yin, but I also have a little yang. I'd like to balance them out better. Then my second idea or evolving idea of twin flame was that yes it could be another person, that the soul split into feminine and masculine and very rarely will come down to earth (or physical manifestation) together. I thought that it was true but I didn't have a twin myself. Then my third evolving idea of the twin flame/soul is that maybe I do have a twin. (even though I had already drempt that I didn't, and that it is all in me, I just need to activate it, when I'm ready.) But I love the idea of it, a mirror, someone who understands you to the core. I also know that twin flame relationships are extremely hard because you are basically dating yourself, so all of your flaws are staring right back at you....literally. I was glad that I don't have a twin flame but at the same time I fixated myself a little bit onto this guy I rarely know, and wished that he was my twin flame. I think he may have been thinking it too, and I picked that up. Sometimes its hard to tell who's emotion or thoughts it is. Because if it was me who felt it first, I would radiate it outward to him, and my body language would communicate it, (and if hes at all intuitive which I'm pretty sure he is) then he would pick up that vibration and then I would pick up his vibration of my vibration and thus it would be amplified that much more. OK, crazy right? Thats one of those things that goes around in my head but is so complicated and hard to explain. So, back to my story, I began daydreaming of this guy being my twin flame (and yes I have Kiel in my life already-whom I freaking adore and love to the max) so I envisioned this twin being like a brother energy, full on twin energy or I imagined him sweeping me off my feet and away from everything hard in my life. REALITY CHECK. If was my twin flame, life would not be easier! And, no one but me can sweep me off my feet. I was seeing signs like twins, 2 flames burning side by side, I felt like it was twin flame signs. I never really got excited about it though, I acted excited at a few points, but I was kinda disconnected to my spirit. It didn't feel right, or fit. Usually if its right, you know its right. So, now my evolved feeling about twin flames is that everyone who you are in a relationship with are your twin match for that time. We are all sending out vibrations of how we feel, what we want, whatever is in our head that we are really feeling. We attract whatever those vibrations are because vibrations have to match up in order for them to connect. So whatever I am putting out into the world is mirroring back to me. Therefore, Kiel is my twin flame at this time.

3. Mirrors. Reflection, ripple, yin-yang, balance.
It seems like balance is really speaking to me, I have mastered being imbalanced, now I am moving on to balance.

You can do this exercise next time you feel like you are a certain way, but don't want to be like that anymore.

Fill in the blanks and say out loud, or write it down, or write in your head, sing it, see it, plant it, grow it!
I have mastered _______________
now I'm moving on to ________________.

Examples of my own.
I have mastered being imbalanced,
now I am moving on to balance.

I have mastered having my solar plexus chakra blocked,
now I am moving on to an open solar plexus.

I have mastered being scattered and everywhere, like a chariot out of control, coming from all different directions, now I am moving on to connecting all the dots, having a clean, clear space to SEE myself, not a fuzzy cloud of confusion.

I love this exercise because it confirms that what I am now is still good, "I have mastered" implies even though it may be something you don't like, it is still good that you learned it. We are here to learn! "Now I am moving to" is a positive shift to the future and its not like "one day I will be" which implies Im not it yet. I already have it all in me, I just need to activate it. We all have everything IN us. We just activate different parts, perspectives, feelings, energy frequencies. I also love this exercise is that it came to me! I came up with it.

4. Energy Frequencies! I have found my portal. Its literally been staring me in the face since I was born. It's so funny. I love how there are signs and solutions smack dab in our faces and yet we still don't see them. Anyways, I can see energy. All I have to do, is close my eyes.

That saying by Rumi, Close both eyes to see with the third eye.
I have written that saying so many times, I have thought it, I have known it, and yet I still didn't get it (and didn't know that I didn't get it until now.) When I close my eyes I can see dances of light and static. I see it right now too. But its easier to really see the patterns with my eyes closed- at least for now. Im sure I'll work my way up to where I  don't need to close my eyes. What do I see? Ha, its hard to explain because you won't get it, until you see it, just like how I didn't and the thing is is that you think you do get it! Oh the world, perspective. So many different meanings and values for the same thing. I will try to explain it in one sentence what I see. Dancing dots of different coloured kinds of light like stars, all dancing in-sync all static like tv static, floating effortlessly into shapes, patterns, unexplainable cycles and stories. 

5. I am disgusted by meat. Even eggs. My stomach is churning, my body is changing. Old things are falling to the way side. My body is communicating to me and I am listening. Mostly.

6. My ego is rearing its ugly and beautiful heads, and I'm neither.
After seeking outside of myself for so long I finally understand that the only person who can save me is me. I take responsibility of my ego mind. I am starting to understand and dis-identify with my mind. I meditate to find who I am. I am beginning to see how my ego mind creates all my problems and keeps me suffering. The pain of Introspection at this point is intensifying. It is becoming more difficult to remain a detached witness to my deeply ingrained behavioral patterns. As I continue to cultivate my inner witness I realize how crucial it is in spiritual awakening. To move into that ultimate scary consciousness of darkness, your worst fears. I take full responsibility for my pain and suffering (I said this before but I feel the need to say it over and over.) Through detached observation my sense of self-identity will begin to break down and what I think I know about myself will no longer seem true. I realize the more I know, the less I know.