We were all there, the Reimers, my Dad and his side of the family but this time there was an extremely important man who was there with me. My brother, Cam! Cam and I were floating in Coon bay on floaties, talking, and crying. It was the best of cries, I cleared a lot of stuff. I was scared that this was our last time on Galiano. I was scared that it would be destroyed. It symbolizes my sense of home, and all throughout the dream there was a recurrent theme of home. Cam and I were talking REAL, we were being REAL. It was amazing and much needed.
Then Kiel and I flashed to Sooke, to my old house where I grew up. My Mom was still living there (which she doesn't anymore) when we got there she was meditating (which as far as I know she doesn't do). Then Shelby, Trinity and a bunch of women came and took Mom away for the day and they didn't invite me to come. I felt like an outsider and it hurt.
I went through the house, looking at all the trinkets and beautiful little things. I saw such gorgeous special little things, and plants everywhere. Plants I had given Mom when I was a kid, but some of them were the same size- they had not grown. I thought this was strange, now that I am awake I feel the symbolism has to do with things I haven't dealt with yet, they are still waiting for me, never forgotten. I went through my old room and it was full of beautiful flowers like I was dead. I wanted to steal the flowers. I searched through Moms stuff and wanted to steal money to leave with. Then I realized all the women and my Mom were outside on the front lawn. It was so weird. I felt invisible. I hadn't been home in 7 years, and yet they were not interested in even seeing me. I craved to be with them but I didn't include myself, I made myself an outsider, yet I felt like it was them making me an outsider.
I went through the house, looking at all the trinkets and beautiful little things. I saw such gorgeous special little things, and plants everywhere. Plants I had given Mom when I was a kid, but some of them were the same size- they had not grown. I thought this was strange, now that I am awake I feel the symbolism has to do with things I haven't dealt with yet, they are still waiting for me, never forgotten. I went through my old room and it was full of beautiful flowers like I was dead. I wanted to steal the flowers. I searched through Moms stuff and wanted to steal money to leave with. Then I realized all the women and my Mom were outside on the front lawn. It was so weird. I felt invisible. I hadn't been home in 7 years, and yet they were not interested in even seeing me. I craved to be with them but I didn't include myself, I made myself an outsider, yet I felt like it was them making me an outsider.
Cam's voice is unique. It's very soothing. It tells me everything is going to be ok without having to say it. His smile is just like mine but opposite. It comes out often, and with a laugh, his teeth go inward instead of mine that go outward.
I realized from this dream. I chose this soul path. It's nothing I can't handle. It's everything I can handle. Everything I CHOSE to learn. I take responsibility for my life! This is HUGE! I take responsibility for my life!
I realized that my sense of home is pretty shattered. I am often wishing to go home but dont know where that is. It's been since I was 6. I used to cry and say "I want to go home" and people would be like "you are home" but it didn't feel like it. Last summer on Galiano Island, as I was crying and walking through a trial, I found myself once again wanting to go home and not knowing where it is. Then I was out of my body and remembered that I am much more than my human mind and self. I remembered that this world is not my home, I'm not from here, and that home is where my soul is from. I felt ok with living out a human life not knowing exactly where home is, because I do KNOW it exists, I know this because I wouldn't yearn for it if it didn't exist.
I just realized something about home on a walk!! Well I'm not so sure I realized it, I think spirit whispered it into my ear. I do have a home. A real physical home. I've always had it and as long as I live in my body I will have it!! My HOME IS MY BODY.
My Home is my body. The house of Anise, the beautiful house of Anise is glorious! I am so excited to decorate my home, to clean my home, to cleanse and purify my home. I'm so excited to accent my home, to cherish it, and to LOVE it.
My home is a unique one of a kind home, my home is a woman, but she looks like a girl. My home has curly beautiful hair, with thin strands but many many strands so it looks thick. My home aches in the morning and after I am too hard on it.
I have broken my house so many times, I walked all over my home. I wished for a nicer home, a palace, I wished for different colours, straight hair, bigger breasts. I told my home from a young age that she was no good. I tried to run from my home but she was always with me, always continuing to love me and do her best to keep me alive. I wished to be more womanly but then I would scour at my home if I saw that I put on a few pounds. My home is cold and often I submerse her in showers and baths of heat.
I fucking LOVE my home right now!! I am glowing and dancing as I sit here and type, my home is shining bright for me to see. "Welcome home" my home says.
I am weeping. I'm sorry home. I never meant to start a war, I never meant to wreck you. I'm sorry I haven't cherished you. All I can hear from my home is "it's ok", that it doesn't hate me, It never did. It always kept me alive, my home has loved me since I was born, even before then. My home tells me to come in now. She says "Welcome! I've waited so long for you, I have kept your temperature perfect for all who live inside, I have kept the flow, I have sent oxygen to all of those who need it in here, we are an ocean in here, we are magic, We all love you, From stomach to anus, from Hair to sweat, every skin cell, every follicle, We all love it when you sing, when you dance, we love sunlight, we love water, we love it when you take care of us, but we still love you when you don't, we understand. Come over here, to the lungs, and breathe, we are the stars, for all to see. Now to the legs, see how they rock and move, see how they are bursting with energy. We, sweet child, are not fans of tough love, but we have accepted it all these 24 years, we know you hate tough love, we cry with you, we hide with you, we curl up into fetal position for you. But child, we and you, wish to FLY! Open us up! We are in this together. You are Never alone. Feel those goosebumps? Spirit is with us now. We are dancing inside and outside, isn't it amazing how you don't even have to think, we just move and flow together. You don't have to tell us what to do, we know just as you know."
Since I was 6 years old, I have thought I was this dark being, this BAD being. I have had times of love and sunshine and self love, but I vacillated between dark and light. I developed rheumatoid arthritis an auto-immune disease (My body attacks itself because my mind attacks itself), as well as chronic fatigue and chronic urinary tract infections, head aches, swollen glands, sore muscles and stiff and sore joints. My arthritis is migratory meaning it shows up where ever it would like to. Its usually worse when I eat foods with low vibrations, like meat, and processed foods, its worse when I am depressed or hating myself, its worse when I drink too much alcohol or coffee, when I eat too much cheese and dairy and chocolate, when i am too rough on my body, when I grunt and just do it, like carrying too many bags and things. When I don't exercise enough or when I exercise too much. I found out it was arthritis when I was 17, I went 11 years of my life wondering what the hell was wrong with me, in and out of the doctors office only to be told "I'm not sure what's wrong, come back if it gets worse" and when we did come back there was never any solutions. It's so funny when I look at it all now, duh! I'm sensitive, I'm uber sensitive!! And that's ok! I'm not gonna beat myself up over it anymore, I will cherish my fragile and uber sensitive home. What a smart home I have, to be able to ache when low vibrations come whizzing through. What a wonderful home, reminding me to clear out the pain, to clean house and feel better.
Sensitive = does not put up with shit!
I am chronically tired because I'm so tough on myself, so tough on my body, my mind, my spirit. Tough I am, but I am done. I am moving towards gentleness now. I am gentle. I promise body, mind and spirit to be gentle and loving towards you now, and when i forget I will still be gentle with myself. I make mistakes and they are beautiful.
My Home is my body. The house of Anise, the beautiful house of Anise is glorious! I am so excited to decorate my home, to clean my home, to cleanse and purify my home. I'm so excited to accent my home, to cherish it, and to LOVE it.
My home is a unique one of a kind home, my home is a woman, but she looks like a girl. My home has curly beautiful hair, with thin strands but many many strands so it looks thick. My home aches in the morning and after I am too hard on it.
I have broken my house so many times, I walked all over my home. I wished for a nicer home, a palace, I wished for different colours, straight hair, bigger breasts. I told my home from a young age that she was no good. I tried to run from my home but she was always with me, always continuing to love me and do her best to keep me alive. I wished to be more womanly but then I would scour at my home if I saw that I put on a few pounds. My home is cold and often I submerse her in showers and baths of heat.
I fucking LOVE my home right now!! I am glowing and dancing as I sit here and type, my home is shining bright for me to see. "Welcome home" my home says.
I am weeping. I'm sorry home. I never meant to start a war, I never meant to wreck you. I'm sorry I haven't cherished you. All I can hear from my home is "it's ok", that it doesn't hate me, It never did. It always kept me alive, my home has loved me since I was born, even before then. My home tells me to come in now. She says "Welcome! I've waited so long for you, I have kept your temperature perfect for all who live inside, I have kept the flow, I have sent oxygen to all of those who need it in here, we are an ocean in here, we are magic, We all love you, From stomach to anus, from Hair to sweat, every skin cell, every follicle, We all love it when you sing, when you dance, we love sunlight, we love water, we love it when you take care of us, but we still love you when you don't, we understand. Come over here, to the lungs, and breathe, we are the stars, for all to see. Now to the legs, see how they rock and move, see how they are bursting with energy. We, sweet child, are not fans of tough love, but we have accepted it all these 24 years, we know you hate tough love, we cry with you, we hide with you, we curl up into fetal position for you. But child, we and you, wish to FLY! Open us up! We are in this together. You are Never alone. Feel those goosebumps? Spirit is with us now. We are dancing inside and outside, isn't it amazing how you don't even have to think, we just move and flow together. You don't have to tell us what to do, we know just as you know."
Since I was 6 years old, I have thought I was this dark being, this BAD being. I have had times of love and sunshine and self love, but I vacillated between dark and light. I developed rheumatoid arthritis an auto-immune disease (My body attacks itself because my mind attacks itself), as well as chronic fatigue and chronic urinary tract infections, head aches, swollen glands, sore muscles and stiff and sore joints. My arthritis is migratory meaning it shows up where ever it would like to. Its usually worse when I eat foods with low vibrations, like meat, and processed foods, its worse when I am depressed or hating myself, its worse when I drink too much alcohol or coffee, when I eat too much cheese and dairy and chocolate, when i am too rough on my body, when I grunt and just do it, like carrying too many bags and things. When I don't exercise enough or when I exercise too much. I found out it was arthritis when I was 17, I went 11 years of my life wondering what the hell was wrong with me, in and out of the doctors office only to be told "I'm not sure what's wrong, come back if it gets worse" and when we did come back there was never any solutions. It's so funny when I look at it all now, duh! I'm sensitive, I'm uber sensitive!! And that's ok! I'm not gonna beat myself up over it anymore, I will cherish my fragile and uber sensitive home. What a smart home I have, to be able to ache when low vibrations come whizzing through. What a wonderful home, reminding me to clear out the pain, to clean house and feel better.
Sensitive = does not put up with shit!
I am chronically tired because I'm so tough on myself, so tough on my body, my mind, my spirit. Tough I am, but I am done. I am moving towards gentleness now. I am gentle. I promise body, mind and spirit to be gentle and loving towards you now, and when i forget I will still be gentle with myself. I make mistakes and they are beautiful.
 |
| Welcome Home Beautiful |
I enter
I sit tall
legs crossed
writing
I feel my breath
I flow to the music
my hands meet in prayer
my body sways
pure love in and out
Forgiven
Accepted
Always
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