I use to sing

I use to sing.

Before I could even spoke words, I use to hum myself to sleep.
Before I could even speak sentences, I sang myself to sleep.
Before I could even write, I wrote a song.

No one showed me how,
I didnt depend on my parents to encourage me although they did encourage me and I appreciate that
But I didn`t NEED it,
I didnt need approval of how I sounded or the words I sang,
I believed in myself. I trusted myself.
And I sang for me.

I grew up and denied myself. I thought I was a freak and I let that stop me. I felt the powerful feel of fear and I put labels on myself. I judged myself and then others judged me. I blamed myself and then believed they blamed me to. I hated myself. I even developed voices in my head. They told me I was stupid, beyond stupid, horrible, awful, ugly, they told me I was a disappointment. I believed them so much I became incapacitated every-time I heard them. I couldn't even lift my head.

The voices were me. When I let in the doubt, the guilt, the fear and judgement. I let in that part of me. When your six years old and the world becomes no longer a bright-rose-coloured-game and your family disintegrates across an ocean. When Grandparents are no longer down the road. When everyone is hurt beyond belief. And you don't know how to believe anymore. What is love, when love let us separate. I turned my back on myself. I took everything in and didnt let any of it out.

I have spoken of this but Ive also been ashamed. Too ashamed to DEAL with it. To let it go. You cant hide things you dont like and expect them to go away. You will never heal yourself if you dont talk about it, write about it, acknowledge it, love it, and release it. I will never heal myself unless I do this. That is why I'm writing this.