Unblocking

I'm climbing out of my hole.
I see now why exactly I was withering away, both physically and emotionally.
The city is not for me, as my sister put it to me; Surrey does not deserve me.

I came across on the ferry to my favourite place on the planet 5 days ago. I was heart broken with very little self confidence. I saw the patch of green from a distance among the watery landscape. Galiano Island called out to me, as though all the trees were waving "Welcome Home." My shattered heart began to beat just a little more wholesomely. We drove up to the North end, and my new little home-for-now looked cozier than ever. Its been difficult. I'm not going to say its been a quick fix. But when I let go of the known. I leapt into uncertainty and nature boomed back into my life. The birds, splashing and playing on the water. The oranges, yellows, and golds glimmering off the gentle waves. The roads are filled with greenery, moss covers the tree trunks and each tree almost has its own distinct hue.

I discussed with my Aunt what it was like, and she described it as "getting away from the machine." Its true, I have left the machine. The city. The whole broken, distraught energy surrounding it. Here, watching the sun reflect and ripple off the ocean onto the bottom of the dock, sitting on the sandstone grounding myself, playing with the animals, and watching the birds is reality. This is REAL life. This is what its all about.

We visited my cousin and his girlfriends home, at first I was anxious to walk up to the small party of people sitting on the deck around an outdoor wood-stove fire. To my delight, I was greeted with warmth and openness. I sat there in my raw state, unable to hide my depression with no energy to do so, they sat closer to me. They mirrored my body language to make me feel comfortable without even knowing they were doing it. They even retrieved a purple unicorn stuffy for me to cuddle with. I saw a girl I know, and sat beside her, she instantly began to share honestly with me about her love life's ups and downs talking fast just like I do. So sweet, so familiar, no judgement here. I realized after I hugged my giant cousin and he plopped down on the cushion on the other side of me, that we are all dreamers here. This is where the dreamers come.

In the beginning, when I looked in the mirror, I saw emptiness. I saw a hole.
I saw ugliness, I saw decay.
I heard voices saying "You need makeup, black eyeliner, straight hair."
Now when I look in the mirror I see a glint in my eye that had been missing, what inspired me to write this post was when I looked in the mirror tonight and said "You are beautiful, I love you."
I see golden beauty, I see gorgeous grey blue eyes, I see a gentle smile. A little more plumpness too. I see colour, I see a glow. For the first time in a long time, my image of my beauty is dependent on me. I don't have someone telling me I should look different. I feel free.

Some days I wake up miserable, and I let myself cry. Some days I wake up content, and I let myself smile. I know there are miracles everywhere, even this right now, writing on my laptop, what a miracle! The Universe is conspiring with me now. One small example of this is that I found my exact hair dye colour at the thrift store for $1.00 today! I had wished I had hair dye to colour my roots 2 days ago, but it was just a little wish, and then i let it go, content with my hair just the way it is, and voila, I came upon a gift meant just for me. What are the chances of that? I mean seriously my exact colour? At a thrift store? For $1.00?! God is smiling upon me. I was given watercolours today, I'm painting freely, no censor, no judgement. I'm writing a storm. I'm finally writing childrens books! Like I have always wanted to. I am singing and playing guitar much more than i ever have. I'm cleaning, cooking, enjoying healthy foods, and I'm EATING again!I was eating before but not as much as i am now. I don't crave alcohol, weed, or drugs. (I had gotten into a DEEP hole, my friends.) I can do things freely without fear of how I'm going to be treated. I can exist. More than exist. My Aunt is cherishing me here, and when she's at work, I often let my tears flow more freely. Last night her dog Indie was my shoulder to cry on, with sincere sadness on his face, he comforted me, and I hugged him and hugged him. (He's a Golden Retriever-big enough to hug.)

I am talking to people and loving the connections and re-connections, these people remember me. They welcome me. They say it's so nice to see you again. Some have forgotten that its been a year and a half since I have't lived here, its like they saw me last week. My aunt has helped me to understand abuse, and I am not a victim anymore. I am a survivor, and I will not allow abuse any longer. Did you know, there are 38 different sub types of anger? Anger is the most complex emotion we have, and we ALL have it. I'm listening to my health coaching recordings again. All these amazing healing techniques right at my finger tips. I don't feel so mentally ill, but I know I'm still climbing out of my hole. One step at a time. One day at a time.

My support system is amazing. I know now, they will always love me. No matter what, they are always in my corner. Backing me up, holding me up, and cheering me on. When I shared with them some of the shameful truths I have been hiding, they didn't let go, they grasped my hand a little tighter in this game of life. They solidified their places in my heart a little more, with conviction that they will not lose me. They will not let me lose myself.

I see my dreams in a bright yellow glow again. I see them as reality. More are flowing in like the connection was never damaged. Like a river, and I am the ocean, all I have to do is pick which inspiration to go with at this moment.

I miss my love. My man. But when I allow my heart to say "I Love Kiel" I  feel okay. I still hold his heart in my heart and I know he still holds mine. There are reasons that things went the way they did. I'm only sharing all of this because I just want to be real. I'm tired of pretending, I don't have energy to waste trying to share my story without sharing it all.

I'm unblocking my blockages. That's all I have to do. I already am everything I want to be, I already am the woman I am. I just need to clear the crap in the way. I'm not on a journey to find myself because I already am myself. So here's to climbing out of my hole. Cheers.