Shit just got real

I too, am addicted to my scale.
I am making progress (but in a way that most people don't understand. Most women at least.)
I am trying to gain weight. My goal is to be 125 lbs I am about 107 lbs, but there even that, is about the scale!! It's this bogus number that comes from nowhere.

What matters is my strength, my stamina, how I feel
maybe a little less bone? OK, a lot less bone, maybe only a few ribs visible? Not the whole rib cage.
Maybe, God for bid, a boob (well two), I do have to admit I love my bum. Its got some fat on it and I just love that. Normally, when I say that, my family says "what butt? You don't have a butt" and that pisses me off!
I love my butt, and it has flub and I love it, Don't take my flub from me!

I love the curves of women. I love the smooth circular shapes, the softness.
I love the feel when you hug a curvaceous woman,
I love the way she takes up space in the world.
I love the softness, the femininity. She is powerful.
I love the strength of a real woman.

I feel more like a boy sometimes, with my angular shapes. My angles are pretty straight.
Concave curves rather than convex. My curves suck in. My bones stick out. Energetically its like I am not taking up space. I am a vacuum. Sure I kinda like it. I like that I can find cute clothes that no one else can fit usually. When I hold up my little shirt it looks so cute. It's fun to think "my body is kinda like a model's body" but don't think I feel good enough to be a model. I'd need to gain some weight. I think I'm even too skinny for that.
It's not that I don't eat. I EAT A LOT.
And its frustrating when every-time I step onto that stupid scale it tells me the same thing over and over and over. I don't know why I still hop on with some hope. Optimistic, I guess, but in truth I'm letting myself down. I'm letting myself down because I allow myself to get disappointed.

Whats really important like I said above is how how I look and feel, not a number.
It feels liberating to realize this, because now I have the power to change it.
All I really have to do check in with myself. I feel like I'd like to gain more strength. I would like to see a little muscle in my body. Convex's. I can do that. I can work out my body and nourish my muscles. I can be proactive, I already am in ways. I just need to focus in on building up (or out rather) instead of focusing on a number on my scale.

Normally I wouldn't talk about this stuff. But Shit just got real.