Unblocking

I'm climbing out of my hole.
I see now why exactly I was withering away, both physically and emotionally.
The city is not for me, as my sister put it to me; Surrey does not deserve me.

I came across on the ferry to my favourite place on the planet 5 days ago. I was heart broken with very little self confidence. I saw the patch of green from a distance among the watery landscape. Galiano Island called out to me, as though all the trees were waving "Welcome Home." My shattered heart began to beat just a little more wholesomely. We drove up to the North end, and my new little home-for-now looked cozier than ever. Its been difficult. I'm not going to say its been a quick fix. But when I let go of the known. I leapt into uncertainty and nature boomed back into my life. The birds, splashing and playing on the water. The oranges, yellows, and golds glimmering off the gentle waves. The roads are filled with greenery, moss covers the tree trunks and each tree almost has its own distinct hue.

I discussed with my Aunt what it was like, and she described it as "getting away from the machine." Its true, I have left the machine. The city. The whole broken, distraught energy surrounding it. Here, watching the sun reflect and ripple off the ocean onto the bottom of the dock, sitting on the sandstone grounding myself, playing with the animals, and watching the birds is reality. This is REAL life. This is what its all about.

We visited my cousin and his girlfriends home, at first I was anxious to walk up to the small party of people sitting on the deck around an outdoor wood-stove fire. To my delight, I was greeted with warmth and openness. I sat there in my raw state, unable to hide my depression with no energy to do so, they sat closer to me. They mirrored my body language to make me feel comfortable without even knowing they were doing it. They even retrieved a purple unicorn stuffy for me to cuddle with. I saw a girl I know, and sat beside her, she instantly began to share honestly with me about her love life's ups and downs talking fast just like I do. So sweet, so familiar, no judgement here. I realized after I hugged my giant cousin and he plopped down on the cushion on the other side of me, that we are all dreamers here. This is where the dreamers come.

In the beginning, when I looked in the mirror, I saw emptiness. I saw a hole.
I saw ugliness, I saw decay.
I heard voices saying "You need makeup, black eyeliner, straight hair."
Now when I look in the mirror I see a glint in my eye that had been missing, what inspired me to write this post was when I looked in the mirror tonight and said "You are beautiful, I love you."
I see golden beauty, I see gorgeous grey blue eyes, I see a gentle smile. A little more plumpness too. I see colour, I see a glow. For the first time in a long time, my image of my beauty is dependent on me. I don't have someone telling me I should look different. I feel free.

Some days I wake up miserable, and I let myself cry. Some days I wake up content, and I let myself smile. I know there are miracles everywhere, even this right now, writing on my laptop, what a miracle! The Universe is conspiring with me now. One small example of this is that I found my exact hair dye colour at the thrift store for $1.00 today! I had wished I had hair dye to colour my roots 2 days ago, but it was just a little wish, and then i let it go, content with my hair just the way it is, and voila, I came upon a gift meant just for me. What are the chances of that? I mean seriously my exact colour? At a thrift store? For $1.00?! God is smiling upon me. I was given watercolours today, I'm painting freely, no censor, no judgement. I'm writing a storm. I'm finally writing childrens books! Like I have always wanted to. I am singing and playing guitar much more than i ever have. I'm cleaning, cooking, enjoying healthy foods, and I'm EATING again!I was eating before but not as much as i am now. I don't crave alcohol, weed, or drugs. (I had gotten into a DEEP hole, my friends.) I can do things freely without fear of how I'm going to be treated. I can exist. More than exist. My Aunt is cherishing me here, and when she's at work, I often let my tears flow more freely. Last night her dog Indie was my shoulder to cry on, with sincere sadness on his face, he comforted me, and I hugged him and hugged him. (He's a Golden Retriever-big enough to hug.)

I am talking to people and loving the connections and re-connections, these people remember me. They welcome me. They say it's so nice to see you again. Some have forgotten that its been a year and a half since I have't lived here, its like they saw me last week. My aunt has helped me to understand abuse, and I am not a victim anymore. I am a survivor, and I will not allow abuse any longer. Did you know, there are 38 different sub types of anger? Anger is the most complex emotion we have, and we ALL have it. I'm listening to my health coaching recordings again. All these amazing healing techniques right at my finger tips. I don't feel so mentally ill, but I know I'm still climbing out of my hole. One step at a time. One day at a time.

My support system is amazing. I know now, they will always love me. No matter what, they are always in my corner. Backing me up, holding me up, and cheering me on. When I shared with them some of the shameful truths I have been hiding, they didn't let go, they grasped my hand a little tighter in this game of life. They solidified their places in my heart a little more, with conviction that they will not lose me. They will not let me lose myself.

I see my dreams in a bright yellow glow again. I see them as reality. More are flowing in like the connection was never damaged. Like a river, and I am the ocean, all I have to do is pick which inspiration to go with at this moment.

I miss my love. My man. But when I allow my heart to say "I Love Kiel" I  feel okay. I still hold his heart in my heart and I know he still holds mine. There are reasons that things went the way they did. I'm only sharing all of this because I just want to be real. I'm tired of pretending, I don't have energy to waste trying to share my story without sharing it all.

I'm unblocking my blockages. That's all I have to do. I already am everything I want to be, I already am the woman I am. I just need to clear the crap in the way. I'm not on a journey to find myself because I already am myself. So here's to climbing out of my hole. Cheers.

Welcome

One day you are going to be beautiful flowers.
 Look at you, so strong, bursting out of the darkness. You did it! 
I know its tough right now. Big beings walk all over you and you can't move out of the way. You struggle to make it higher than the grass around you so you can receive the light you need to grow. Its cold and your little leaves pray the weather will warm up by the time your big. No one notices your here or how hard your working.
But I do. You are beautiful. I see your struggle.
"One day you'll bloom" doesn't sound very comforting right now, but that's ok because you are special right now. 
You are a miracle. every little one of you. 
You slept in the ground and the spirit in the soil told you to start reaching for the light. It looks as though your leaves are 2 hands praying when you first burst out of the ground. 
All you know, is all you know. But you have an amazing purpose. 
Don't listen when they tell you, you are nothing until you bloom. That's not true. You underestimate your impact in the world by just being here. You raise us all up with every centimeter you grow. Even when you don't move, you make the world a better place, just by being you.
 Thank you for all you are, right now. I love you, I know you love me too. 
Welcome to the surface, sweet you.

Shit just got real

I too, am addicted to my scale.
I am making progress (but in a way that most people don't understand. Most women at least.)
I am trying to gain weight. My goal is to be 125 lbs I am about 107 lbs, but there even that, is about the scale!! It's this bogus number that comes from nowhere.

What matters is my strength, my stamina, how I feel
maybe a little less bone? OK, a lot less bone, maybe only a few ribs visible? Not the whole rib cage.
Maybe, God for bid, a boob (well two), I do have to admit I love my bum. Its got some fat on it and I just love that. Normally, when I say that, my family says "what butt? You don't have a butt" and that pisses me off!
I love my butt, and it has flub and I love it, Don't take my flub from me!

I love the curves of women. I love the smooth circular shapes, the softness.
I love the feel when you hug a curvaceous woman,
I love the way she takes up space in the world.
I love the softness, the femininity. She is powerful.
I love the strength of a real woman.

I feel more like a boy sometimes, with my angular shapes. My angles are pretty straight.
Concave curves rather than convex. My curves suck in. My bones stick out. Energetically its like I am not taking up space. I am a vacuum. Sure I kinda like it. I like that I can find cute clothes that no one else can fit usually. When I hold up my little shirt it looks so cute. It's fun to think "my body is kinda like a model's body" but don't think I feel good enough to be a model. I'd need to gain some weight. I think I'm even too skinny for that.
It's not that I don't eat. I EAT A LOT.
And its frustrating when every-time I step onto that stupid scale it tells me the same thing over and over and over. I don't know why I still hop on with some hope. Optimistic, I guess, but in truth I'm letting myself down. I'm letting myself down because I allow myself to get disappointed.

Whats really important like I said above is how how I look and feel, not a number.
It feels liberating to realize this, because now I have the power to change it.
All I really have to do check in with myself. I feel like I'd like to gain more strength. I would like to see a little muscle in my body. Convex's. I can do that. I can work out my body and nourish my muscles. I can be proactive, I already am in ways. I just need to focus in on building up (or out rather) instead of focusing on a number on my scale.

Normally I wouldn't talk about this stuff. But Shit just got real.

Making Space

Her howling is haunting

as though her pleas shall never be heard.

Her expression; searing pain.

Howling a siren, a screeching pitch.

Hopelessness and restless defeat

the sound leaps out of from her depths

like a begging plea.

If no one should answer

she fears she will perish

her identity; cracked, diminished.

Its more than any being can fathom, 

(but less than the limit)

less than an echo

less than a drop

an insignificant speck

for no one hears her cry

and if they do, they care not.
Die Ego, Die. 

I don't mean to surely kill you,

not all of you at least.

I love you child, I do. That's why I leave you.

Howl LOUDER. SCREECH. SCREAM.

feel the broken pieces

escaping as they separate

open for everyone to see

when not a single eye will look

Lay there naked

vulnerable beyond compare

for this too, shall pass.

this is it. You're ready.

The crying wolf becomes the spirit

once again,

And the spirit becomes the space

once again. 

I am.

.....

This blog is about killing my ego. The Inspiration for that blog was out of a screaming fit I had. I was searching for mental health help, and after 2 strained hours of tear soaked phone calls speaking to machines and busy signals I finally got through to the intake receptionist at Surrey's Mental health Association and.... my phone cut out.
To me that was the Universe/God saying "Give it up" and so I did. I screamed for about 10 minutes straight after that. I howled in my pain and agony as though I was a wolf. I've never allowed myself to vent like that before. At the time I thought I was losing my mind (in a bad way) I thought I had snapped (in a bad way) and I was mad at everyone. I was mad at God. And I was beyond hurt that he hung up the phone when I had finally got through.
After a few days went by and my perspective on the matter changed and evolved I realized it was my ego that I was killing. It was my ego, searching for "mental health" searching for a label "bipolar" searching for tools on an external level. I have all of the answers inside me, and the external stuff comes when it is meant to.

Tipsy-Topsy people

Those people in life,
you presume are stable.
The people you strive to be like.
The people who "awe" you.
They amaze you and inspire you.
You feel that spark alive inside.

The little dance that goes on in your stomach,
the way your ribs reach up and forward,
and you pounce forward with excitement and something else, hiding.
Like you had forgotten it,
but you remember it now.
Utterly familiar.

Those people that are once thought to be so stable, so up on top, pedestal Queens and Kings,
It turns out, they are not so stable
Why, they are quite tipsy.

They turn over themselves,
they cave in and lash out.
They strike, they bowl you over,
and then they tell you they love you.
They apologize with tears in their eyes.
These tipsy-topsy people,
Break my heart every time.


People I surround myself with.
We are unstable. Ready to react, Combust.
I suppose we are making a dance of it
As we curve oddly,
withering in our pain
and floating in our light
but where is stable ground in a place like this?

Im sick.
My stomach is ready to come up out of my mouth
My head wants something hard to rest on.
Something, somewhere
study and sound.

Something that escapes time
something that holds still
quiet
something that won't let you down
it won't die off on you.
Someone you can trust.

I know where it is,
I know how to get there,
but somehow
my tipsy-topsy body
feels planted in the ground.