Boots and Britches

Peach Fuzz

Baby brothers.
Fuzzy Peaches.
Soft light.

"Stick em up"
Full body grab
collision
rabbit kicks to the head
got you!

Two baby brothers have joined the family. Two fuzzy peaches. Full of energy when they are awake, they pounce on each other every opportunity they have. Going in for the kill they collide together and rabbit kick each other in the head. "Stick em up" one says as the other has his arms up like he's at gunpoint. It seems endless, the abundant fights they have. Like there is something inside them that says "must...keep....fighting!"

When the energy slows, they snuggle up. So tender and sweet. They look like little angels. Sometimes they curl up around us, sometimes they curl up together.

Boots is the slightly bigger one, he has white "boots" on his little-orange-tiger body and a white crest. He is persistent, often expressing himself verbally. He's curious George, not afraid of anything and wants to try everything. His eyes are slightly more spaced apart then Lil Britches.

Lil Britches is favoured by me. He's more of an observer, chill, goes with the flow. He watches his brother do things first and decides whether he wants to do that or not. He's cautious and timid, but also playful and fun. He is all orange with tiger stripes and no white at all.

One of the best parts of these guys is waking up in the morning. They are all happy, and snugly, and purring.

They are adorable kittens. It's hard to leave the house.
I'll post some pictures when I can.

New Beginnings

Deep roots and sturdy ground.

Wise mossy trunks are beside me.

Plunging into the earth, spiralling out into the darkness.

The dark, sweet, succulent Mother soil. 

Snug, and Home. 

They see the greater vision. 

They are connected to the ultimate connection.

New roots stir out of me,

deep down into the earth.

I am embraced by my loving Mother.

In the safety net of soil.

Home.

As my stem sprouts out into the light, 

I burst into another world

while still cradled in Moms solid ground. 

I am thick and green.

My protective layers begin to erode away.

I'm stepped on. 

But I'm taller each day. 

At night I bask in the darkness,

and breathe in the stillness.

In the day, I am subjected to the world .

Again and again.

I know its worth it. 

I know I can do this. 

One day, I will blossom. 

Learning to trust myself, and Progress Update.

Learning to Trust Myself

I realize, that I have never fully allowed myself to trust anyone in my life. Never have I trusted anyone. That makes me sad. Speaking with my psychiatrist, she tells me to start at; Trusting myself. In order to trust myself, I have to allow myself to think what I want to think, not what I should think, or how I think I should think, or what other people think I should think. This is a big one for me. I often don't even realize Im doing it. This week I had the notion come to me that "God wants me to be happy." He doesn't want me to beat myself up in my head over what I did, or didnt do, how I shouldnt have said this or that etc... No, God wants me to be Happy. GOD WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY. He wants me to deal with my stuff, which, yes sometimes is going to make me feel crappy for a bit, but, he doesn't want me to carry on with it and punish myself. There is no need for punishment. Once I can think what I want to think, I can say what I want. I can say "No, I dont want to do that" or "I want to do this" or whatever. This is the next step to trusting myself. Also keeping myself safe is important in learning to trust myself. Since I had an abusive mother I often could not keep myself safe, as a child I couldn't get away from her. I couldn't get away from the punishment, or the punisher, but now as an adult I can remove myself from the situations and better yet I can assess situations before they become unsafe and remove myself before the hurt begins.  Another step is removing myself (like i briefly spoke about above) when things get escalated. If I am in a heated argument or fight now that I am an adult I can say "Stop, lets leave this for a minute" and I can go calm down and come back to discuss calmly about the problem. When I do this, I will trust myself more, because I am like a friend, protecting myself and removing myself out of the situation. Sometimes it felt energenically that when someone became angry with me or around me it was like a tidal wave that rushed into me. Filling me with the erratic spontaneous anger and a loss of control. When I would try to put barriers up, somehow the energy of the anger would attack my defences over and over until it found a crack and made its way in me. Now, I can remove myself, AND when I get angry, that is ok. My psychiatrist says I need to allow my anger. I am scared that when I am angry my Mom is going to come out of me, so I dont allow myself to feel the anger, but I am allowed to feel angry. It is good to feel angry when I am angry. It is an emotion and we all feel it.

I have been clean from my addiction to drugs 10 and 1/2 weeks now! In 2 days it will be 11 weeks! That makes me feel so good. I trust myself a bit more because I appreciate myself for keeeping me safe from the drug. My addiction counsellor says that this particular drug I was on has an extremley low chance of recovery in addicts. It is the drug out of the entire world that has the lowest percentage of recovery. And I am recovering! I am a miracle. I am so proud of myself. It feels so empowering. Yay me!!

I have gained 14 pounds in the 10 1/2 weeks, I feel amazing. My legs have beautiful muscles growing and bulging out (ever so slighly) and my arms have muscles too. My bum is plump, nice and plump. Just above my bum has a little tiny bit of "flub" and I love it!! Yay me!

I am finally sleeping better, I haven't had nightmares in about a week and a half! Its amazing. I sleep through the night about every 3 nights, which is a miracle to me. Never in my life have I slept through on a regualr basis. I'm getting there. I'm there!

I am working at an amazing job, its half an hour walk away from where I am living, or a 15 minute bike ride through the beautiful dirt road. Its so invigorating and energizing. I am a housekeeper of beautiful vacation cabins and I prepare for weddings, and retreats. I help keep it going, like all the little things that pop up that need to be done. Its amazing work, with amazing people. they are teaching me to be gentle with myself, and honeslty I never knew that work could be so....not hard! I am making more money then I ever have in my life, $16 dollars an hour! And its just surrounded by beauty. I feel so blessed. The Universe really is working with me!

The sun is shining outside, spring is blooming. I'm planting lots of plants, I'll have pictures on here soon!!
Love to you all, wishing you well, and remember "Whatever is going on in your head is what your going to get more of."

Dionisio Rest

I've been on Galiano for 2 moons now. My legs are thick. I love them. I tell them as I hug them close to me. Rocking back and forth in the sand, curled up in a ball. Hear the waves crumble, flop, swish, bubble. Hear the bell toll over the ocean, dong, dong, dong. Hear the roar of a boat off in the distance. The gulls singing in excitement. The chirp, chirp, chirp of a small bird. The low rumble of a plane and the reverberations off the water. Rolling Rumble. I hear my voice. The sand swishing under my bare feet. Deep red nail-polish on my toes contrasts the grey-tan sand very nicely. Something crackles slightly in my bag. A wrapper from food. The waves and bell carry on their music. The sun shines from behind me, warm and gentle, through the thin veil of clouds. A crow caws, poor crow. You were not blessed with a lovely sound were you. Your caw is so death-like. Ill. Like you are crying in pain. I hear the hum of a man, his voice. He's speaking to an older woman. I look back, 2 of them. There's a Red Jacket and red hat and then a white haired man with sunglasses. He sits on the bench 20 feet behind me. The crow does a large circle around where I'm sitting. Croaking the whole time. A new plane is coming. I hear it from the West. I think its West. I'm not the best at direction. I look up, there is an eagle perching in the tree straight ahead of me. As I wrote about him, he disappeared. A chill comes with a breeze. Brr. That is brisk. I'll put my gumboots back on. So refreshing on my face. A seagull flies over me, I see his shadow go over my page. That icy breeze relieves my head ache, Thank you. So fresh. So delicious to breathe in. There are tiny ripples on the surface now. Everyone/thing is affected by the chilly flow, gust of gentle ice air. As I sand off my feet I see its time to repaint the chipping polish. The seagull lands close to me in the water. 15 feet away and calls. He opens his beak wide and tilts his head and that loud high pitch tone comes out. He waits now. Probably for his friends and family. The red jacket comes to say hi to me, she lives in Whitter Bay down South (of the Island). She's off to see if there's any early wildflowers out yet on the point. I lay down, sleepy now, in the sun. Curled up in my soft guitar case. I rest. A man comes, no hair on his head. Shaven. Younger than the older 2 here but older than me. He has headphones in. He says hi to me as he passes by. His thin black dog is shy, she runs to him when he calls to her the way I call to Gemini, "Come on, Come on." with a slap on his leg. Excited & gentle. Encouraging. She bolts to him and dances by me with a smile on her face. I rest again. I decide to head back up to my cabin.

xxx

Conversations with the new Moon

Dear Moon;

What am I?
You, my dear child, are a glistening pearl.

Where did I come from?
A far galaxy, shaped as a tree.

Do I need a mood stabilizer medication?
No, you need to listen. Listen to your guidance, It is easier than you think. 
We are created equal, as sensitive as a fish. Your insides are jelly. Like those of a transparent kind.
Your tentacles are your feelers more sensitive than you know, They work well for you, just listen to them. 
My dear, you are as sensitive as a cats whisker, the vibrations of a slight breeze bring much knowledge to you. We are always here for you, bellowing in. You take us in as though you are a sponge. Your porousness allows you to breathe us in. You have had a difficult time breathing in in your toxic environment. This is normal. You have bared much darkness. We hear what you say to yourself, we wish for you to feel kindness towards yourself. In times of desperation, this is why you run. You fill up and release faster when you move. When you become anxious, you must do as the jellies do. Suck in the life around you and propel forward. You are ready.
Life really is cosmic soup. The ocean is your air, and you its jellyfish. You wear your insides on your outsides. 
You are easily swayed by the tides and currents, you need not know where you are.
Just know that we are with you. I am ever on your shoulder. 
Feel the wind. Listen deep. Its is simpler than you think.

FLY

The cats, the dog and I sit curled up with ourselves. Snuggled up. We watch the rain hit the ocean, the tree's leaves and we listen to the tip tapping on the roof. I think it must be a day to rest. 

Then I look out and see the seagull, mid flight, having a ball. Swooping down to the ocean and plucking out a meal, perhaps. Mocking and playing with the other seal's head that pops out of the water. The seal isn't bothered by the rain either. I look out further and oh my! It looks like a party out there! The seagulls are plenty. They seem as though they are playing games. Full of life and excitement, one, two, three... flap, flap, flap. I swoop, now you swoop! Tag! Your it, FLY!! All together now. 

Excitement oozes out of them this rainy morning. This grey-pitter-patter day. 

Now they make music together. Among the sounds of the rain the joyful "Caw, Caw" and high pitch shrieks are musical. 

There goes the seal again. Just before he goes down into the water he lifts himself up out of the water slightly, to take a deep breath. Perhaps as his lungs fill with air he becomes more buoyant and that is what makes him rise slightly out of the water. I suppose that's what makes us all rise. Breath. Breathing in spirit, and when we die, we let go of our breath and sink into the earth. Now the gulls have all took flight. They are circling, dancing, flapping, mingling, enjoying the breeze.

Flapping up, Up, UP, now straighten out your wings, turn your body to the side and SWOOP down. Amazingly missing the other gulls on a similar path. 

They're all gone now, behind the point. 

Oh! Here they come! All together, what a rush! They look so free, free to climb upward so easily. Now it looks like they're playing leap frog! And then they all take flight together, what amazing communication. That would be lovely. I wonder if they doubt themselves, doesn't look like it. But I suppose the grass is similar shades on both sides of the fence. Life is no easier for them then it is for me, no more beautiful, no more. 

Just for a day, can I be a seagull? 

Can I fly too? 

Can I play silly games and be part of a community, all together. 

On these rainy dreary days I would fly-dance too.