Daisies

Imperfect daisy

Last night I was reading a book of Spells, although i don't like that name because of what it just made you think of. It's not spells as in evil magic or anything like that. It's a collection of old ceremonies and things that people did centuries ago. Some of it I'm not sure I believe myself, but I want to. I love magic. Good magic, energy, and fantasy like magic. I love nature and cycles, and intention, put those together and you get magic of sorts. I found a "spell" that I wanted to do. It is called "Finding your life purpose." It seems that I am always finding my life purpose over and over and so I just though maybe I could get a little more clarity. In the "spell" involves 7 daisies, and the book says you must do it when daisies are in season. Well, that's a bummer because they are not right now! I remember thinking "I need 7" and thinking perhaps somewhere I will find daisies and I'll remember to pick 7.
Well! I did find 7 daisies! Last night in my dreams. I was walking and found a patch of them, I picked seven of them, some of them were loosing their petals, and some of them did not look beautiful like daisies do but I still collected them and planned on doing the spell.
Remembering the dream and the excitement I had around finding these daisies makes me feel content and happy. Like a blessed child. I was given a gift last night, and a message to decode. The decoding part I'm sure will evolve and change as I open to new grander meanings. Right now it seems that the Universe is aiding me to find my Life Purpose and letting me know I do not have to wait for the season to change to begin. The daisies are ready and so am I. The feeling of the dream is one of magic. Like a loving hand, God's glorious hand, came down out of the clouds and with a smile decided to share some daisies with me. Beautiful. Daisies are symbolical of wisdom. Because the daisies in my dream were not perfect, it shows me that this purpose is not a perfect path that once I am on I will never feel pain or negativity. It shows me once again to let go of my idea of perfection. It just feels so free and loving, I have the tools, now! I already have them. So beautiful and peaceful. I am so thankful for my dreams, for remembering them, for feeling the lovely entities, God, energy and love in my dreams.

dark vortex

darkness

swirling vortex

everything blurs

grays, blacks and odd white patches

distorted faces with hanging mouths

lifeless eyes and turning necks

crushes my head

i try to run but cant see the way

head crushing

neck crunching

close my eyes

deny entry

wish to cry but can't find the energy

I'm not afraid for fear is a luxury here

i am lost

i am non-existent

put me in my cell

lock the doors, bar the windows

i will only disappoint you again and again

for i am a failure

it is written in my name

I am alone

searching is my game

a fool playing a foolish game

but who is the fool?

I meet her dead on

her majestic eyes are filled with depth

we look at each other

mirror images

she puts out her hand

my crushing head rushes through my ears

my stomach lurches

but I calmly grab her hand

music blasts and we are dancing now

running through a path in the vortex

I see dark purples and blues now

shes is beautiful

she guides me through

clenching jaw still tight

my brows and neck ache

she turns around on the path

puts her hand up to my head

In a different language she sings

feel the pain

welcome it as a friend

for this is only temporary

have you forgotten again?

I go on

dancing and weaving

the fog begins to rise

dissipating from the corners of my eyes

the crushing is gone

I start to hunger for life

memories of greatness

counting my blessings

how much I am given

How much I am

We slow to a walk

I look around

The storm is over

I don't know when

Storm Chaser with an interesting twist!

I love natural disasters and storms. They are so captivating, mysterious, and energetic. I love how all of the elements come together; wind, water, fire, earth, and spirit.
Concentrating. Building. Growing. Energetic. Unite.
Destruction. Death. Rebirth. Cleanse. New Beginnings. Nature. Respect. Deep.

The cycles upon cycles, cylindrically come together in a surge of power and expression.
Somehow storms are spiritual to me. I feel it very strongly.
Tidal waves wash away, and cleanse. They cleanse the spirit, they open the heart, cleanse you of distractions from what life is really about. Remind you about togetherness, community, love, gratitude, spirit, and LOVE (worth saying twice.)

The calm within the storm. The eye of the storm. Is like the third eye, if you can see through your third eye and you can become the witness, you become calm, even in the scariest most horrifying hours.
There is a stillness of storms, and disasters that draw me in. It's kind of like when I go to the PNE and get on a crazy ride. I would be terrified, but as long as I just didn't look at "the whole" of the ride I was fine. If I just focused on my seat and where I was in each moment, I could ride the ride. If I looked forward of where we were going, or back to where we just came from, I'd freak out. "We are about to get spun like 5 times omg!! I'm gonna fly out! I'm gonna smack my head! I'm gonna throw up!" But, when I just stayed in each and every moment right now, I was fine. I was calm. I felt safe.

Surge. Energy. Water. Wind. Power. Builds. Funnel. Spiral, the golden number. The golden number is a spiral, just like our DNA, tornadoes, storms, mega storms, our solar system, Universe, and there are millions of other phenomenon's of the golden number.

Power, humble. Trust. If it's time (to live or die), It's time. I've always thought if a tidal wave came suddenly and we had no warning, I wouldn't run. There would be no time and I don't want to waste my last minutes in fear. I'd surrender and enjoy the beauty and power. The overwhelming power. Embrace the power. Respect. Don't die in fear.

Emergency, community, work together. Tribe. Together. Help. Support.
I've always been fascinated by natural disasters. Envisioned and imagined the calm after the chaos. The rush of energy during. Surrender to nature, to disaster.

This reminds me of a dream I had last night. Surrender to disaster. In the dream I ruined a bridge that everyone was building, it was a community thing. I was going to fall off a cliff or I was going to "contaminate" the bridge, and selfishly I contaminated it. The bridge cracked all the way up from one end to the other. All of the hard work was ruined, and it was all my fault. It was all my fault. People were running around screaming, like a natural disaster had happened. Maybe it was a natural disaster in that world. People were running and yelling, the wind was blowing, it was dark. My boss was so mad at me, I was done. Everyone knew that I was the fool now. No more hiding. I kept telling people "I did it, I wrecked the bridge." "It was me, It's my fault." And, you know whats weird, is that I felt a sense of relief. A weight came off my shoulders because now I wasn't perfect and I couldn't pretend that I was anymore. It was obvious that I was a fuck up. I fucked it up ROYALLY and the whole world could see. I even remember thinking in my dream "Well I'll never be royal now."

So maybe the lesson is that my subconscious wants me to realize that I'm still trying to be perfect. I'm carrying that weight. And I feel it right now, sitting on my shoulders, it digs deep into my bones, into my back, my neck, my muscles, it even is connected to my stomach, my jaw is clenching. I feel I'm on the brink of tears. Like a storm is rising up in me. I have been beating myself up again. Just realized it now. I call myself lazy. I guilt myself. I tell myself I'm a failure and that I should be doing so much more. To be honest, I am tired. I'm always tired. I don't know whats wrong with me, (URCH) well ha. Doesn't that look funny. I know exactly whats wrong with me! I just said that I expect myself to be perfect, and explained all the symptom's which I really had never realized. I hadn't seen it laid out in front of my like that. I love writing. It's therapy.
I am not perfect. I'm scared of not being perfect. I'm scared of doing something wrong, I don't want to be punished. I don't want to be overpowered. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want dark, thick, menacing energy poured into me. 
That's the kicker-- I don't want dark, thick, menacing energy poured into me so I try to be perfect. It will never work, this I know. I can, empower myself to rise up to the energy. I can. I can let it flow right through me without clinging or hanging on.
I'm a fake! I'm a fake, I'm fake! (Just felt the need to get that out.)
I smile, when I feel shitty. I watch what I say, always, I watch what I think even. I watch to see how you are watching me. I'm stiff and stuck. I get trapped in my head, my body wont move.
I want to be a storm and break through. I'm going to wreck myself. I allow the surge of energy into my body. It will destroy the old, it will wash it away. My tribe inside will come together, my community inside. I will fill up with energy, rebirth, cleansed to my new beginnings. 
A deep cleanse, Spirit-full. 
If I remain the witness I will stay in the eye of the storm. I'll feel it, I embrace it, surrender to it. 
Catch my breathe, one swift uplift, when air I can't breathe, and overwhelming calmness comes over me. Deep respect of nature. Deep respect of spirit, life, the Universe. my minds worries are petty. I feel the tidal wave coming for me. Wash me. I embrace you. 

Lately (poem)

Lately I am like the weather,
Grey and full of moisture,
heavily I loom,
bright and bouncy at times,
My eyes are half open

Lately I am like a flower,
My body is half sore,
I am open and vulnerable,
saying goodbye to my petals,
leaning over far too much

Lately I am like a cloud,
collecting and growing,
I want to go forward,
I feel pulled back, held back,
stuck with all the others

Lately I am a falling leaf,
last blow,
lost touch,
falling to the ground,
emptiness below takes my breath away

Lately I am like a snowflake,
breaking free from the rest,
trust the fall,
I see patterns within patterns,
I am dancing in flow

Lately I am like a raindrop,
melting into the unknown,
warming my core,
metamorphism,
I feel warm and blurry

37 reasons why you want to hire me

37 reasons why you want to hire me (to write);

1. I am a young, vibrant, creative woman with a flare and natural ability to express myself through writing. I am constantly changing. evolving and growing. My life is a series of revelations, breakthroughs and realizations. 
2. I believe in miracles, and I notice them. Gratitude is my attitude.
3. My artistic abilities are endless. Creativity is the name of my game. 
4. I learn from everything that happens and how I react to them. I crave to learn and am willing to learn.
5. I am one of the most passionate and sensitive people you will ever know. I know my faults and I am not scared of them anymore. We all have faults. I am scatterbrained at times (because I have so many things to think about and know more about). I am messy- its an artistic thing, and I am learning how being clean and organized helps me flow so much better. I am sensitive and sometimes over-sensitive. I'm not perfect but often I feel that I should be (I am working on accepting myself the way I am.) I don't always give myself the credit I deserve (which I'm also working on.) Sometimes its not about being the best, its about being yourself. That is the most beautiful person you can be; Yourself.
6. I speak and write with riddles and sunshine. My writing flows beautifully. I am told I am gifted with words. Words are the air I breathe, yet I am always striving for better understanding of how to express myself.
7. When I put it down on paper, it all comes together. I can see so much clearer when it's laid out in front of me rather than bouncing around in my head. 
8. My wisdom is beyond my earthly age. I am only 24 years old.
9. I will surprise you, often in ways you never expected.
10. I live, act and write through Inspiration that is not of this world (Inspiration = In spirit). I know how to tap into Inspiration and I find a great joy in supporting others to tap into their inspirational flows.
11. I am unstoppable.
12. I am only starting to know my inner power- watch out world- a star is being born.
13. I am kind, compassionate, and caring to my very core.
14. My greatest wish is PEACE for everyone and everything. I want to do good for everything and everyone I come in contact with.
15. I write my heart out daily, nightly, I even write in my sleep. My dreams come alive and feed my soul.
16. When I'm not writing, I'm trying to remember the inspiration that just came to me, so I can write it down later.
17. You want to see me flourish. You want to support my dream of making a living while writing so I can share my gift without being zapped of energy from a "day job." You are Inspired by me, and you see so many other who are as well. You see the value in my work.
18. I am meant for this. I am a writer. I know my greatness, I feel my huge potential, all I need is someone to trust me and give me a chance. It will happen, I know it.
19. I am knowledgeable and passionate about many topics including; Alternative health, fitness, philosophy, environmental topics, body language, yoga (especially yin yoga!), expression, spirituality, art, nature, animals, magic, miracles, love, sex, people, birth, death, cycles, childhood, trauma, pain, pleasure, teaching, learning, dance, music...and I can go on. 
20. I paint pictures in your mind using only words. My brush strokes fill your senses and the fresh paint entices your wonder.
21. I don't know it all.
22. I try to see from everyone's perspective. I put myself in your shoes.
23. My heart is HUGE. I truly and utterly CARE. 
24. I am gifted with simplicity.
25. I flow with life. I strive to live a love-based life rather than a fear-based life. It may seem like my head is in the clouds, but I am also grounded to mother earth with roots of sensibility. What may be real to you may be an illusion to me. What may be an Illusion to you, may be real to me. 
26. No one can take my dreams from me. If you tell me "I can't", I show you how "I can." 
27. Nothing is for sure. Nothing is solid or fact. Everything is energy- and even that I do not know for sure.
28. You have been searching for me, although you may not know it. You will know it, once I fill that Anise-shaped-hole you never knew you had. I am the missing piece. (You are also my missing piece.)
29. My life will never be the same, and neither will yours. 
30. If I was you, I'd give me a chance.
31. I contribute ALL I can.
32. If I am valued and appreciated I will shine so bright you will be warm from my glow.
33. This is what I've always wanted. This is my life theme. I've moved from one love or passion, to the next, but always wrote about it. Now, I see, this is it. Writing is my calling. 
34. I speak my truth. 
35. I have many loves of my life, I LOVE a lot. I've always got more love to give.
36. You won't be disappointed.
37. You already want to hire me.

37 wishes

37 wishes;

1. To sing my heart out, beautifully, with CONFIDENCE.
2. To hear my voice the way I know I can hear it inside.
3. To active my inner power and have oodles of money.
4. To live and love with Kiel, for a long long time.
5. To continue spiritually awakening and realizing my consciousness.
6. To work through my issues, have my answers about past lives and pains answered so I may string everything together and see it as the intricate web it is.
7. To see energy better, more clearer
8. To understand more about how I am an energetic sponge and how to harness my abilities
9. Harness my spiritual gifts
10. Make a living doing what I love
    
11. Have a beautiful HOME that is mine and Kiel's 
12. Write books, write blogs, write children stories, write poems, songs and be appreciated for them
13. Express all that's inside me, all the greatness and the potential
14. To be valued and appreciated
15. To support and encourage the Universe, The Earth, the sun, the moon, the stars
16. Share and spread love and light
17. To give my family money to buy homes and live close to each other so we can all be together
18. TOGETHERNESS
19. Interconnectedness
20. Health and Happiness
21. Never stop Dreaming and never feel shame for my dreams
22. Be wild
23. Be FREE
24. Freedom, flying. I wish to fly again
25. Swim underwater and breathe
26. Play with the sea and its inhabitants 
27. Swirl with white fabrics in gleams of sunlight with the warm wind flowing through
28. To have an abundance of freedom in everything we do
29. To flow with life and love
30. To learn everything we will
31. To change our lives, create beautiful and meaningful moments
32. To drive fast 
33. Not care what others think of us
34. To be free of our minds, and everyone else's too
35. To be creative and artistic in art, music, dance, and ways I can't even fathom
36. To grow beautiful plants, flowers, trees, herbs, shrubs, succulents, and flora
37. To be Grateful every minute, for everything I have and am

Death

I thought I was okay with death. But as I saw this morning I am not there yet. I saw a slain wolf on Facebook and my proud friends smiling over the carcass, I couldn't help but cry and sob. I see my kitty laying their dead, I see my wolf-side slain, I see the spiritual leaders that I associate with the wolf, with laying there lifeless. I suppose when I die, rather than people crying over the loss of me, I would like them to stand proud and smile over my body. I would like them to use my body to feed the wolves, to give my lungs to people who cannot breathe, to share my hair among those who cannot grow theirs. Use my teeth as trinkets, reminders of my power, my greatness. Reminders of the miracles of physical bodies. If I had a beautiful fur coat I want them to enjoy it too. I want to keep them warm with the coat I use to wear proudly.

What hurts is that we don't know enough about wolves, but we are quick to acknowledge the dark side of them, and kill them for their "faults." As we do in many other areas of this life, and I suppose that is what truly hurts me. The reality that I see is that we are the reason, we are the cause. Wolves need large roaming areas, one of the largest of all animals. There home range is massive, because they have are roamers, travelers, nomads. We take the lands and claim them as ours, when they are not. The wolves know this. They come to take their birth rights, their means for survival and we blame them.

As I was crying I was trying to figure out "why." The dreaded "WHY! WHY! WHY! Is this world so cruel and understanding? WHY can't I save the world, WHY can't I make it all okay"

This only propelled my tears and sorrow. As soon as I recognized this "why" sorrow filled part of me, I realized it is my ego. My lovely ego friend. I cried with and for my Ego, I did not shrug it off as an over emotional and sensitive side. I cherish my ego. It is also my inner child. Little Anise is sad. She does not like death. I imagined me and little Anise on the couch, crying together. I held her, and I held her tight. I Acknowledged her fears, her compassion and her deep sorrow. She cries and imagines herself as a wolf. Laying on the ground slain, her body draining of its warmth, fire, and life. She imagines people taking pictures with her body, and proud of their kill. She feels NO hatred for the people. She loves the people. She does not even wish anything upon them except love and acceptance. She surrenders to death. She knows she cannot control it. She also knows we all die, She would have died at some point, and in this scenario the Universe has contracted this form of death for her, all for learning purposes. She no longer hates death. Thanks to me! Big Grown up Anise for acknowledging her and allowing her to come to terms with the lack of control we have over death, and how it is BEAUTIFUL. We are dancers in this uni-verse (one song) and we fall when we are meant to. We are caught by the crowd below us that we cannot see. They comfort us, they hold us tighter than possible on earth. They wrap us in Grace, they fill us up again, with our renewed death. Oh beautiful young death.

The lone wolf represents me.

"I am a wolf, you may slaughter me"

This does not mean that my inner child looks for death, or tells people, you may kill me. She does not lay her head and wait for death. But she recognizes that when death comes for her, all she can do is surrender. Be humble, be thankful for all that is, and what is to come. She knows once shes gone from this physical plane she will soar among spirit again. Perhaps the wolf was ready to go. It knew what was waiting on the other side. The lone wolf was ready to meet its heart, soul and be part of the all-knowing again. This wolf is gone, perhaps its spirit is with me now, and she is telling me to embrace life, which in turn means embracing death. 

It seems that death is all around me now. My garden is dying. The tomato vines are brown and hanging pulled down by the weight of the green rotting tomatoes that once thought perhaps they would turn red and return to the ground as seeds. The sunflowers are still blooming, but the earlier blooms hang their heads now, toward the ground rather than the sun they once praised. Their petals have fallen. They know they are no longer young and beautiful. They ask me if I will still love them, and I radiate YES, my beauties you are always beautiful to me. When you die, I will carry on your legacy with your seeds of life.

It seems like many people are feeling death these days. I am in touch with a blogger who recently faced the fears of her own death, and released it all back into the earth. Just this morning I read another death related post on Facebook from a friend who has lost someone, and her new outlook on life and how precious it is to live and not make excuses anymore. I turned on the tv, and there was "Long Island Medium" the show all about death and the messages our loved ones want us to receive. The biggest most prominent message I see is that our loved ones want us to "EMBRACE LIFE."

Embrace life to the fullest. Cry when you need to. Embrace all aspects of yourself. Embrace death. Embrace endings, know that life is not linear like we may believe. Life is eternal, it is a circle, there is no end in a circle. Death is the birth of new. Death is like the caterpillar turning to a butterfly. The caterpillar has no idea, it thinks it is dying in its cocoon. It surrenders to the plan greater than it, and it awakens into a beautiful flying being. Free to soar and spread its beauty. I often think that butterfly's are messages from spirits and from the spirit realm. Butterfly's are an example of life after death, and how amazing our true selves are.