This is the colourful grey area

Sometimes I think that you are my half,
sometimes you seem to know everything that is happening within me,
I send yellow light to you and you wake up to everything, now,
You look to me and suddenly are accepting

Its like everything in between the dark and the light
held within the yin and the yang, no extremes,
this is opposite, the grey area

Sometimes I think you will never understand
as you seem to have this power that pushes me
I fight it, I detest it,
yet in the end I come out shiny and new
I still hate you for it
And I Love you so deeply too

It's not death or life
Its not black or white
I love you
yet I love me too

I surrender to not knowing
And now i know it all

Freedom

Ever notice what freedom looks like?

Type in freedom in Google and look at the pictures, what do you see?

What is the body language of freedom?

It looks like this;

Arms raised outward and upward, head slightly back, heart open. FREEDOM.

Do it, now! 

I'm doing it.

Let the light i my friends, feel the love radiating from you, from your heart center.

This is freedom.

Astral Projection baby!

I remember you
Parts of us
begin to surface

its a dream
an old memory
I do not sleep now

Drumming and chatter
Authentic beats hit the hollow drum
reverberating off me
An old woman sings loud
someone is drumming a menacing sound

(but) This place is holy
Beloved mother,
(the fear is gone)

The Orcas! we are them
carving our passages of song
we swim through sandstone with ease

I see my life
running through it in a blur
I am a boy on the beach
and a wise man in a trail
I am an Orca in the bay
and a Raven too

Sweet moments are held here
deep resonance with sound
the sound is waves

the lap over me and I surf
trusting in just the right moment
all so twisted in a magical song

Each beat brings me back to you
Flashes of life in a different hue.

As it comes- free flow poem

I am flowing with life as it comes
like a stream rippling in sweet sound
curling in towards me and flowing past
surrendering to what comes
releasing what goes

As it comes,
life shall bring us gifts to please
As it comes,
life shall bring hunger, perhaps disease
As it comes,
strength renewed and faith grows
As it comes,
we know not where we will go

This time is new,
excitement all around
we cheer and dance
in our enlightened
Never seen before,
tricks and treats for all

the patterns all flow together,
into the stream and dancing with glee
all the directions are one
swirling in
it doesn't matter where you go
we will all meet at once

It happens now
you can let go
no need to wait
the train is here
You are the conductor
watch you go

Welcome the wind
let the grey wash away
love it and it release it
bless it gently, on its way

The mirrors are all in place,
you may see monsters and ghosts
children, Goddesses and wise men
you are them all,
stay in peace,
see it now and you shall see
the web of synchronicity

Learn we will
what our thoughts bestow
the gift of sight,
perception of one
old bright lights will renew our glow

magnificence we are
multifaceted windows and doors
magnets of attraction
disguised in flesh
a veil of delicate silk
beautiful rays radiating through

You do not need a map
directions or tales
Just bring yourself
And stay with you

Off i go with the flow
till next time,
Let our hearts grow.

My Home

This post is completely me! My face, body, heart, mind and spirit, ...my home! 

Hiking the Grouse Grind

Top of the Mountain

A beautiful Garden Rose and a beautiful me 

Carrots I grew!

Totally in love with nature, gardening and food!

Glowing

Being one with the mossy tree

Smelling my home grown sage is amazing aromatherapy

Big grin, blue eyes

The house of Anise

I flew last night again! I was walking and flying, I love that. I Love FLYING in my dreams. It's so amazing, it reminds me of HOME.

We were all there, the Reimers, my Dad and his side of the family but this time there was an extremely important man who was there with me. My brother, Cam! Cam and I were floating in Coon bay on floaties, talking, and crying. It was the best of cries, I cleared a lot of stuff. I was scared that this was our last time on Galiano. I was scared that it would be destroyed. It symbolizes my sense of home, and all throughout the dream there was a recurrent theme of home. Cam and I were talking REAL, we were being REAL. It was amazing and much needed.

Then Kiel and I flashed to Sooke, to my old house where I grew up. My Mom was still living there (which she doesn't anymore) when we got there she was meditating (which as far as I know she doesn't do). Then Shelby, Trinity and a bunch of women came and took Mom away for the day and they didn't invite me to come. I felt like an outsider and it hurt.

I went through the house, looking at all the trinkets and beautiful little things. I saw such gorgeous special little things, and plants everywhere. Plants I had given Mom when I was a kid, but some of them were the same size- they had not grown. I thought this was strange, now that I am awake I feel the symbolism has to do with things I haven't dealt with yet, they are still waiting for me, never forgotten. I went through my old room and it was full of beautiful flowers like I was dead. I wanted to steal the flowers. I searched through Moms stuff and wanted to steal money to leave with. Then I realized all the women and my Mom were outside on the front lawn. It was so weird. I felt invisible. I hadn't been home in 7 years, and yet they were not interested in even seeing me. I craved to be with them but I didn't include myself, I made myself an outsider, yet I felt like it was them making me an outsider. 

Cam's voice is unique. It's very soothing. It tells me everything is going to be ok without having to say it. His smile is just like mine but opposite. It comes out often, and with a laugh, his teeth go inward instead of mine that go outward. 

I realized from this dream. I chose this soul path. It's nothing I can't handle. It's everything I can handle. Everything I CHOSE to learn. I take responsibility for my life! This is HUGE! I take responsibility for my life! 

I realized that my sense of home is pretty shattered. I am often wishing to go home but  dont know where that is. It's been since I was 6. I used to cry and say "I want to go home" and people would be like "you are home" but it didn't feel like it. Last summer on Galiano Island, as I was crying and walking through a trial, I found myself once again wanting to go home and not knowing where it is. Then I was out of my body and remembered that I am much more than my human mind and self. I remembered that this world is not my home, I'm not from here, and that home is where my soul is from. I felt ok with living out a human life not knowing exactly where home is, because I do KNOW it exists, I know this because I wouldn't yearn for it if it didn't exist.

I just realized something about home on a walk!! Well I'm not so sure I realized it, I think spirit whispered it into my ear. I do have a home. A real physical home. I've always had it and as long as I live in my body I will have it!! My HOME IS MY BODY.

My Home is my body. The house of Anise, the beautiful house of Anise is glorious! I am so excited to decorate my home, to clean my home, to cleanse and purify my home. I'm so excited to accent my home, to cherish it, and to LOVE it.

My home is a unique one of a kind home, my home is a woman, but she looks like a girl. My home has curly beautiful hair, with thin strands but many many strands so it looks thick. My home aches in the morning and after I am too hard on it.

I have broken my house so many times, I walked all over my home. I wished for a nicer home, a palace, I wished for different colours, straight hair, bigger breasts. I told my home from a young age that she was no good. I tried to run from my home but she was always with me, always continuing to love me and do her best to keep me alive. I wished to be more womanly but then I would scour at my home if I saw that I put on a few pounds. My home is cold and often I submerse her in showers and baths of heat.

I fucking LOVE my home right now!! I am glowing and dancing as I sit here and type, my home is shining bright for me to see. "Welcome home" my home says.

I am weeping. I'm sorry home. I never meant to start a war, I never meant to wreck you. I'm sorry I haven't cherished you. All I can hear from my home is "it's ok", that it doesn't hate me, It never did. It always kept me alive, my home has loved me since I was born, even before then. My home tells me to come in now. She says "Welcome! I've waited so long for you, I have kept your temperature perfect for all who live inside, I have kept the flow, I have sent oxygen to all of those who need it in here, we are an ocean in here, we are magic, We all love you, From stomach to anus, from Hair to sweat, every skin cell, every follicle, We all love it when you sing, when you dance, we love sunlight, we love water, we love it when you take care of us, but we still love you when you don't, we understand. Come over here, to the lungs, and breathe, we are the stars, for all to see. Now to the legs, see how they rock and move, see how they are bursting with energy. We, sweet child, are not fans of tough love, but we have accepted it all these 24 years, we know you hate tough love, we cry with you, we hide with you, we curl up into fetal position for you. But child, we and you, wish to FLY! Open us up! We are in this together. You are Never alone. Feel those goosebumps? Spirit is with us now. We are dancing inside and outside, isn't it amazing how you don't even have to think, we just move and flow together. You don't have to tell us what to do, we know just as you know."

Since I was 6 years old, I have thought I was this dark being, this BAD being. I have had times of love and sunshine and self love, but I vacillated between dark and light. I developed rheumatoid arthritis an auto-immune disease (My body attacks itself because my mind attacks itself), as well as chronic fatigue and chronic urinary tract infections, head aches, swollen glands, sore muscles and stiff and sore joints. My arthritis is migratory meaning it shows up where ever it would like to. Its usually worse when I eat foods with low vibrations, like meat, and processed foods, its worse when I am depressed or hating myself, its worse when I drink too much alcohol or coffee, when I eat too much cheese and dairy and chocolate, when i am too rough on my body, when I grunt and just do it, like carrying too many bags and things. When I don't exercise enough or when I exercise too much. I found out it was arthritis when I was 17, I went 11 years of my life wondering what the hell was wrong with me, in and out of the doctors office only to be told "I'm not sure what's wrong, come back if it gets worse" and when we did come back there was never any solutions. It's so funny when I look at it all now, duh! I'm sensitive, I'm uber sensitive!! And that's ok! I'm not gonna beat myself up over it anymore, I will cherish my fragile and uber sensitive home. What a smart home I have, to be able to ache when low vibrations come whizzing through. What a wonderful home, reminding me to clear out the pain, to clean house and feel better.
Sensitive = does not put up with shit!

 I am chronically tired because I'm so tough on myself, so tough on my body, my mind, my spirit. Tough I am, but I am done. I am moving towards gentleness now. I am gentle. I promise body, mind and spirit to be gentle and loving towards you now, and when i forget I will still be gentle with myself. I make mistakes and they are beautiful. 

Welcome Home Beautiful

I enter 

I sit tall

legs crossed

writing

I feel my breath

I flow to the music

my hands meet in prayer 

my body sways

pure love in and out

Forgiven

Accepted

Always

Daisies

Imperfect daisy

Last night I was reading a book of Spells, although i don't like that name because of what it just made you think of. It's not spells as in evil magic or anything like that. It's a collection of old ceremonies and things that people did centuries ago. Some of it I'm not sure I believe myself, but I want to. I love magic. Good magic, energy, and fantasy like magic. I love nature and cycles, and intention, put those together and you get magic of sorts. I found a "spell" that I wanted to do. It is called "Finding your life purpose." It seems that I am always finding my life purpose over and over and so I just though maybe I could get a little more clarity. In the "spell" involves 7 daisies, and the book says you must do it when daisies are in season. Well, that's a bummer because they are not right now! I remember thinking "I need 7" and thinking perhaps somewhere I will find daisies and I'll remember to pick 7.
Well! I did find 7 daisies! Last night in my dreams. I was walking and found a patch of them, I picked seven of them, some of them were loosing their petals, and some of them did not look beautiful like daisies do but I still collected them and planned on doing the spell.
Remembering the dream and the excitement I had around finding these daisies makes me feel content and happy. Like a blessed child. I was given a gift last night, and a message to decode. The decoding part I'm sure will evolve and change as I open to new grander meanings. Right now it seems that the Universe is aiding me to find my Life Purpose and letting me know I do not have to wait for the season to change to begin. The daisies are ready and so am I. The feeling of the dream is one of magic. Like a loving hand, God's glorious hand, came down out of the clouds and with a smile decided to share some daisies with me. Beautiful. Daisies are symbolical of wisdom. Because the daisies in my dream were not perfect, it shows me that this purpose is not a perfect path that once I am on I will never feel pain or negativity. It shows me once again to let go of my idea of perfection. It just feels so free and loving, I have the tools, now! I already have them. So beautiful and peaceful. I am so thankful for my dreams, for remembering them, for feeling the lovely entities, God, energy and love in my dreams.

dark vortex

darkness

swirling vortex

everything blurs

grays, blacks and odd white patches

distorted faces with hanging mouths

lifeless eyes and turning necks

crushes my head

i try to run but cant see the way

head crushing

neck crunching

close my eyes

deny entry

wish to cry but can't find the energy

I'm not afraid for fear is a luxury here

i am lost

i am non-existent

put me in my cell

lock the doors, bar the windows

i will only disappoint you again and again

for i am a failure

it is written in my name

I am alone

searching is my game

a fool playing a foolish game

but who is the fool?

I meet her dead on

her majestic eyes are filled with depth

we look at each other

mirror images

she puts out her hand

my crushing head rushes through my ears

my stomach lurches

but I calmly grab her hand

music blasts and we are dancing now

running through a path in the vortex

I see dark purples and blues now

shes is beautiful

she guides me through

clenching jaw still tight

my brows and neck ache

she turns around on the path

puts her hand up to my head

In a different language she sings

feel the pain

welcome it as a friend

for this is only temporary

have you forgotten again?

I go on

dancing and weaving

the fog begins to rise

dissipating from the corners of my eyes

the crushing is gone

I start to hunger for life

memories of greatness

counting my blessings

how much I am given

How much I am

We slow to a walk

I look around

The storm is over

I don't know when

Storm Chaser with an interesting twist!

I love natural disasters and storms. They are so captivating, mysterious, and energetic. I love how all of the elements come together; wind, water, fire, earth, and spirit.
Concentrating. Building. Growing. Energetic. Unite.
Destruction. Death. Rebirth. Cleanse. New Beginnings. Nature. Respect. Deep.

The cycles upon cycles, cylindrically come together in a surge of power and expression.
Somehow storms are spiritual to me. I feel it very strongly.
Tidal waves wash away, and cleanse. They cleanse the spirit, they open the heart, cleanse you of distractions from what life is really about. Remind you about togetherness, community, love, gratitude, spirit, and LOVE (worth saying twice.)

The calm within the storm. The eye of the storm. Is like the third eye, if you can see through your third eye and you can become the witness, you become calm, even in the scariest most horrifying hours.
There is a stillness of storms, and disasters that draw me in. It's kind of like when I go to the PNE and get on a crazy ride. I would be terrified, but as long as I just didn't look at "the whole" of the ride I was fine. If I just focused on my seat and where I was in each moment, I could ride the ride. If I looked forward of where we were going, or back to where we just came from, I'd freak out. "We are about to get spun like 5 times omg!! I'm gonna fly out! I'm gonna smack my head! I'm gonna throw up!" But, when I just stayed in each and every moment right now, I was fine. I was calm. I felt safe.

Surge. Energy. Water. Wind. Power. Builds. Funnel. Spiral, the golden number. The golden number is a spiral, just like our DNA, tornadoes, storms, mega storms, our solar system, Universe, and there are millions of other phenomenon's of the golden number.

Power, humble. Trust. If it's time (to live or die), It's time. I've always thought if a tidal wave came suddenly and we had no warning, I wouldn't run. There would be no time and I don't want to waste my last minutes in fear. I'd surrender and enjoy the beauty and power. The overwhelming power. Embrace the power. Respect. Don't die in fear.

Emergency, community, work together. Tribe. Together. Help. Support.
I've always been fascinated by natural disasters. Envisioned and imagined the calm after the chaos. The rush of energy during. Surrender to nature, to disaster.

This reminds me of a dream I had last night. Surrender to disaster. In the dream I ruined a bridge that everyone was building, it was a community thing. I was going to fall off a cliff or I was going to "contaminate" the bridge, and selfishly I contaminated it. The bridge cracked all the way up from one end to the other. All of the hard work was ruined, and it was all my fault. It was all my fault. People were running around screaming, like a natural disaster had happened. Maybe it was a natural disaster in that world. People were running and yelling, the wind was blowing, it was dark. My boss was so mad at me, I was done. Everyone knew that I was the fool now. No more hiding. I kept telling people "I did it, I wrecked the bridge." "It was me, It's my fault." And, you know whats weird, is that I felt a sense of relief. A weight came off my shoulders because now I wasn't perfect and I couldn't pretend that I was anymore. It was obvious that I was a fuck up. I fucked it up ROYALLY and the whole world could see. I even remember thinking in my dream "Well I'll never be royal now."

So maybe the lesson is that my subconscious wants me to realize that I'm still trying to be perfect. I'm carrying that weight. And I feel it right now, sitting on my shoulders, it digs deep into my bones, into my back, my neck, my muscles, it even is connected to my stomach, my jaw is clenching. I feel I'm on the brink of tears. Like a storm is rising up in me. I have been beating myself up again. Just realized it now. I call myself lazy. I guilt myself. I tell myself I'm a failure and that I should be doing so much more. To be honest, I am tired. I'm always tired. I don't know whats wrong with me, (URCH) well ha. Doesn't that look funny. I know exactly whats wrong with me! I just said that I expect myself to be perfect, and explained all the symptom's which I really had never realized. I hadn't seen it laid out in front of my like that. I love writing. It's therapy.
I am not perfect. I'm scared of not being perfect. I'm scared of doing something wrong, I don't want to be punished. I don't want to be overpowered. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want dark, thick, menacing energy poured into me. 
That's the kicker-- I don't want dark, thick, menacing energy poured into me so I try to be perfect. It will never work, this I know. I can, empower myself to rise up to the energy. I can. I can let it flow right through me without clinging or hanging on.
I'm a fake! I'm a fake, I'm fake! (Just felt the need to get that out.)
I smile, when I feel shitty. I watch what I say, always, I watch what I think even. I watch to see how you are watching me. I'm stiff and stuck. I get trapped in my head, my body wont move.
I want to be a storm and break through. I'm going to wreck myself. I allow the surge of energy into my body. It will destroy the old, it will wash it away. My tribe inside will come together, my community inside. I will fill up with energy, rebirth, cleansed to my new beginnings. 
A deep cleanse, Spirit-full. 
If I remain the witness I will stay in the eye of the storm. I'll feel it, I embrace it, surrender to it. 
Catch my breathe, one swift uplift, when air I can't breathe, and overwhelming calmness comes over me. Deep respect of nature. Deep respect of spirit, life, the Universe. my minds worries are petty. I feel the tidal wave coming for me. Wash me. I embrace you. 

Lately (poem)

Lately I am like the weather,
Grey and full of moisture,
heavily I loom,
bright and bouncy at times,
My eyes are half open

Lately I am like a flower,
My body is half sore,
I am open and vulnerable,
saying goodbye to my petals,
leaning over far too much

Lately I am like a cloud,
collecting and growing,
I want to go forward,
I feel pulled back, held back,
stuck with all the others

Lately I am a falling leaf,
last blow,
lost touch,
falling to the ground,
emptiness below takes my breath away

Lately I am like a snowflake,
breaking free from the rest,
trust the fall,
I see patterns within patterns,
I am dancing in flow

Lately I am like a raindrop,
melting into the unknown,
warming my core,
metamorphism,
I feel warm and blurry