aniseimhere: Just go straight into it. FEEL it. Cry it out

Learning the methods to my madness and how my mind works, I wrote this after a series of critical opinions others have about my man and our current vulnerable work/money/home situation. At the end of the day, I felt attacked, betrayed, and tired of it.

I'm not here to fit into what I should be, I'm here to be me! And I definitely am not going to feel bad about it.
Why is this so tough? Don't ask why. Why only perpetuates the feeling. Ok, what am I feeling? I feel... like a Momma bear who has been told her son is not good enough. I feel protective and hurt. He's not my son but the child in me sees the child in him. I love him so very much. NO one can tell me how my heart feels. NO one can tell me whats right for me except me. We are all sooooo different.
And of course, because I am very different I come up against a lot of resistance. Do I have to? They say "If you are spiritual and heart driven, you come up against resistance, and you will be ridiculed and misunderstood by most." At first I thought that made me feel better, but now I am questioning that belief. If I believe I will come up against a lot of resistance then I will manifest a lot of resistance. I dont want to do that. The universe is limitless, it doesn't put limits on how much happiness you can have, the only one who limits my happiness is me. But then again, this, right now, is meant to be, its my path, and these feelings need to come out. It is the resistance in me that caused me to feel resistance to what other people say.
I am doing whats exactly right, right now. I'm writing authentically. I'm not censoring myself. I'm real. And I'm really feeling this.

Kiel is heart driven. He is a fresh breath of air for me. I've never known unconditional love like this. I've never questioned the relationship, whether I should stay with him or not. That thought doesn't even come to my mind, and it is so nice! I use to always have that question in the back of my head with previous boyfriends. My heart and mind are not in a battle as they usually are in romantic relationships. I am safe and loved. I am also still extremely attracted to him, which always fizzled out slowly in previous relationships, with Kiel, being intimate only gets better and better.

Kiel has a heart of Gold and a great intelligence, and an active spirit (although he hides his spirituality well). Like me recognizes what a rat race the system is and CHOOSES not be a part of it. This is the main cause of people to judge him. He has been an amazing partner in teaching me not to care about the opinions of others when they are hurtful and just focus on myself. It is a lifetime tool that I am eternally grateful for. Something HUGE that needed to happen. When you take to heart everything that people say and try to fit yourself into what their view of you is, you really are living your life for them and not you. And trust me its hard. Its exhausted. That my friends, is a good way to get in a rut.

Kiel has scars and wounds harsher than most, and he needs support and love to work through them, as I do too. He is really sensitive just like me, so hes very understanding. He has shown me how I can be so sensitive but that its a two way street, sometimes I don't realize what hurts people, just as they probably don't realize what hurts me. He has brought so much joy into my life with the way he thinks and lives in this moment, contently, thankfully, and aware. He makes me feel calm and restores my faith by reminding me when my worry-track-mind is worrying again. He has shown me aspects of myself I had NO IDEA I was sabotaging myself with. We are both very irresponsible with money. Money to me, is tied to my value to the world, and to be honest I feel undervalued by the world, I know I am worth so much, everyone is. Its not always easy to find people who take the time to understand and appreciate and value you, but when you do, those are the people that you can't replace. The people you call when you need someone to talk to. And Kiel is definitely one of those people.

My heart is so full of sorrow and feelings of betrayal when you people speak poorly of Kiel. How can they not see all of the good in him? Why does it seem hard for people to give people a chance. I know I need to do this more, so perhaps that is the purpose of these feelings. So I know how its feels to be misunderstood. No one can know how I feel about him, and even if they do, maybe they don't care. They see circumstances they have gone through and try to protect me from me going through them too. We all have to remember to let people live their lives and not assume we know what is going on, how their minds work, or what we think they should be doing, even when we believe its for the best for them. We don't know whats best for anyone but ourselves. I need to put this into work. I judge people too much, and I often feel very judged. Life is a mirror. Of course I feel judged, I judge myself too much. I'm sorry to everyone I have judged. I let it go. I Release the guilt.

That goes along with the depression thing, the key is to not feel bad about it, because its counteractive.
I've got to keep telling myself that. I release it. I let all the pain go. I let the judgement go. I let them go and send them on their way. Don't want them anymore, thanking them as they go!

I just went outside and held Gemini, and looked up to the sky and the moon was there. So comforting. I love the moon so very much. I also am aware of a blue being on my right front side, he leans down to me. He is very comforting and his blue light encases me. I feel like calling him Blue. But I can sense there's a better name that will come with time. I LOVE how aware I am becoming. I've been eating clean all day, and I bet that has a lot to do with it. I'm gonna go for a walk. I feel so much better now than when I got off the phone, and before I wrote this.

If you are reading this, I really really wanna advise you to listen to your emotions and instead of asking why you feel a certain way, just go straight into it. FEEL it. Cry it out, get frustrated if your frustrated. Allow yourself this space. Allow yourself to react if you are triggered to react. If I hadn't been triggered, I wouldn't have known I had all these pent up angers, fears, guilt, frustrations and feelings of betrayal. Feels really good to release it. I still feel it, but at least now I am aware. This first step to releasing it is becoming aware.

Normally the stubbornness in me would tell the world to screw off and feel like no one understands. I would shut down, close myself off. I feel like Blue understands me completely, and he is so calm. Like the moon. I know I have felt him in my dreams before. I love you Blue!! Thank you for your empowering support and comfort. I appreciate you to the stars and back. :) Please continue to keep me open!

Galiano Loving