When I was a child, I felt safety in my songs.
I wrote my own song and sang myself to sleep with it, every night. My family called it "my motor." "Get your motor going" is what they would say before they turned my night light on and left the door a crack open for me.
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| Little Anise about 4 or 5 years old |
Here's the song I wrote (at about age 3-4) it has add on's as I grew
(I couldn't tie my shoes when I wrote this song, but I learned how and added it in to the song.)
Mom, Dad, Amy, Cam, Rose, Misty,
Muf, Rex, Lidia, Copper, Sceezle, Beezicks, Mylow, Leasha
All my uncles, all my aunties, all my cousins,
Guess what?
I can sing, I can dance, I can tie my shoes,
but most of all I can do is Love,
and I Love you,
Yes I do do do.
Simple, yet beautiful. The first line is all the people in my immediate family, and the next line is the pets we had. The rest is self explanatory. Each word has many notes, written out like that its hard to imagine, I tried to record it and put it on here, but my technical skills need empowerment. I sang it to Kiel once, I thought it was funny and silly, but to my surprise, he was blown away! He said
"that's the best song I've ever heard you sing."
Get my motor going, what a phrase!
Get my MOTOR going. My essence, my core,
my power. Get your power going.
Start up that engine inside, and putt putt putt to life! Come to life.
I continued with my song writing throughout my teenage years, when I had so many emotions and needed an
outlet. I never let anyone read my songs, and I never sang them for anyone but me. Alone, shut in my room,
I'd let go. I'd let my motor run. I have about 3 boxes of pages and pages of songs I've written in my life. That is a lot of
creative power!
As an adult, I seem to have forgotten all about my motor (until now). I am teaching myself guitar, and singing along quietly, holding back. Guitar has been a goal of mine for at least 10 years now.
I dream of singing my songs. I always LOVE watching those auditions on X factor, where the young girls/women just belt it out so beautifully and they are in tears by overwhelming feelings. Feelings of being up there, being accepted and valued for their talents.
Being FREE. For allowing themselves to be in that vulnerable position because their dreams mean so much to them. They want the world to hear them, and sing with them. I cry with them when I watch. I cry because I am so happy for them, because it brings me closer to God to hear such a beautiful voice and to feel the vulnerability and see the strength. I cry because a part of me is sad. I know the potential inside of me. I am that girl too.
I have songs to be heard. I have a voice so powerful, and I've never let myself actually hear my own voice.
I've never actually, completely, BELTED it out. EVER.
I WANT to belt it out!
Now as I play guitar I'm searching through all of these lovely, Inspiring songs, but in every song, there is something that doesn't feel right.
Write my own songs!! It is time already.
This calling, this love I have forgotten, I have let go of. I let myself forget.
It keeps coming back, over and over. I'm scared of that vulnerability. Feeling misunderstood. Feeling too sensitive. Always judging myself as TOO SENSITIVE.
Sensitivity is a MAGICAL GIFT!
~ I have felt my sensitivity is a burden. It's time to realize, It's actually a unique gift. ~
I hated my Adams apple. "Shame on me," I felt. "Its huge."
Well guess what I just stumbled upon in my internet search? Large Adams apple's are for singers! Its my voice jumping out of my body to be heard!! I've got all the equipment. I was born with my instrument, built in. It's time to use it, love it, appreciate it, be gentle with it, stop judging it and really
let it free. Where's the sense in holding it back? Where do I find happiness in holding back my voice? I may have learned when I was in growing up, to be quiet. Maybe that was a good thing at the time, a survival skill, a protection device. But now, I'm safe, I always have been safe, and I always will be safe.
I want to sing my heart out! I want to feel my soul through my music. I want you to feel my soul. I am a soulful singer.
"I am open to progressing into a movement phase in my life." Just do it. Act. In action, progressing, is where I'm setting my goal.
Sort of off topic, but it ties in;
As I was letting go of the fear and blockages holding me back from this musical movement and flow I desire. I felt the inspiration to
"baptize"myself -in my own way, right there in the bath. By cleansing with the water. Until that Inspiration came to me, I was planning on keeping my hair dry in a bun atop my head. I felt Inspired to let it down, I slowly sank my body into the cleansing lavender scented warmth. (by the way, Lavender balances all of your chakras!) I said goodbye to my fears and blockages and all that's held me back. As my head was being immersed by the water I took my last breath of air being the girl I was. The girl who shuts her mouth, and I dunked my head in all the way into the water. I swished and rocked my head back and forth, back and forth, and imagined "release, release, release, release, release"
I lost my"
self," lifted out of the water and opened my eyes to a new beautiful, intricate world. Where everything is possible and my wish "Is the Universes Command."
I'll update how my singing goes from here on out! And any songs I write!
Thanks for reading!!
