New Beginnings

Deep roots and sturdy ground.

Wise mossy trunks are beside me.

Plunging into the earth, spiralling out into the darkness.

The dark, sweet, succulent Mother soil. 

Snug, and Home. 

They see the greater vision. 

They are connected to the ultimate connection.

New roots stir out of me,

deep down into the earth.

I am embraced by my loving Mother.

In the safety net of soil.

Home.

As my stem sprouts out into the light, 

I burst into another world

while still cradled in Moms solid ground. 

I am thick and green.

My protective layers begin to erode away.

I'm stepped on. 

But I'm taller each day. 

At night I bask in the darkness,

and breathe in the stillness.

In the day, I am subjected to the world .

Again and again.

I know its worth it. 

I know I can do this. 

One day, I will blossom. 

Learning to trust myself, and Progress Update.

Learning to Trust Myself

I realize, that I have never fully allowed myself to trust anyone in my life. Never have I trusted anyone. That makes me sad. Speaking with my psychiatrist, she tells me to start at; Trusting myself. In order to trust myself, I have to allow myself to think what I want to think, not what I should think, or how I think I should think, or what other people think I should think. This is a big one for me. I often don't even realize Im doing it. This week I had the notion come to me that "God wants me to be happy." He doesn't want me to beat myself up in my head over what I did, or didnt do, how I shouldnt have said this or that etc... No, God wants me to be Happy. GOD WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY. He wants me to deal with my stuff, which, yes sometimes is going to make me feel crappy for a bit, but, he doesn't want me to carry on with it and punish myself. There is no need for punishment. Once I can think what I want to think, I can say what I want. I can say "No, I dont want to do that" or "I want to do this" or whatever. This is the next step to trusting myself. Also keeping myself safe is important in learning to trust myself. Since I had an abusive mother I often could not keep myself safe, as a child I couldn't get away from her. I couldn't get away from the punishment, or the punisher, but now as an adult I can remove myself from the situations and better yet I can assess situations before they become unsafe and remove myself before the hurt begins.  Another step is removing myself (like i briefly spoke about above) when things get escalated. If I am in a heated argument or fight now that I am an adult I can say "Stop, lets leave this for a minute" and I can go calm down and come back to discuss calmly about the problem. When I do this, I will trust myself more, because I am like a friend, protecting myself and removing myself out of the situation. Sometimes it felt energenically that when someone became angry with me or around me it was like a tidal wave that rushed into me. Filling me with the erratic spontaneous anger and a loss of control. When I would try to put barriers up, somehow the energy of the anger would attack my defences over and over until it found a crack and made its way in me. Now, I can remove myself, AND when I get angry, that is ok. My psychiatrist says I need to allow my anger. I am scared that when I am angry my Mom is going to come out of me, so I dont allow myself to feel the anger, but I am allowed to feel angry. It is good to feel angry when I am angry. It is an emotion and we all feel it.

I have been clean from my addiction to drugs 10 and 1/2 weeks now! In 2 days it will be 11 weeks! That makes me feel so good. I trust myself a bit more because I appreciate myself for keeeping me safe from the drug. My addiction counsellor says that this particular drug I was on has an extremley low chance of recovery in addicts. It is the drug out of the entire world that has the lowest percentage of recovery. And I am recovering! I am a miracle. I am so proud of myself. It feels so empowering. Yay me!!

I have gained 14 pounds in the 10 1/2 weeks, I feel amazing. My legs have beautiful muscles growing and bulging out (ever so slighly) and my arms have muscles too. My bum is plump, nice and plump. Just above my bum has a little tiny bit of "flub" and I love it!! Yay me!

I am finally sleeping better, I haven't had nightmares in about a week and a half! Its amazing. I sleep through the night about every 3 nights, which is a miracle to me. Never in my life have I slept through on a regualr basis. I'm getting there. I'm there!

I am working at an amazing job, its half an hour walk away from where I am living, or a 15 minute bike ride through the beautiful dirt road. Its so invigorating and energizing. I am a housekeeper of beautiful vacation cabins and I prepare for weddings, and retreats. I help keep it going, like all the little things that pop up that need to be done. Its amazing work, with amazing people. they are teaching me to be gentle with myself, and honeslty I never knew that work could be so....not hard! I am making more money then I ever have in my life, $16 dollars an hour! And its just surrounded by beauty. I feel so blessed. The Universe really is working with me!

The sun is shining outside, spring is blooming. I'm planting lots of plants, I'll have pictures on here soon!!
Love to you all, wishing you well, and remember "Whatever is going on in your head is what your going to get more of."