It's been a while since I've posted a blog. I went through a week of feeling down on myself and re-living my darkness and shame. Then I went through a week of feeling like I didn't want to share anything, I didn't speak to anyone really. Then I spent about another week just enjoying the silence. Words all seem so illusionary because no one can ever truly understand what your saying. I say that because we all have our own assumptions and understandings of words, a word may have completely different meaning from one person to the next. It reminds me of that whispering game I played in Girl Guides when I was a kid, when one person whispers a sentence to the person beside them and then that person whispers to the next person, by the time it makes it back to the original person its usually a completely different sentence! Lost in translation.
Then this past week i have started writing bits and pieces again. This journey of life I'm on is so intense, know what I mean? (I imagine you nodding your head) And today my focus is FORGIVENESS!!
I am forgiving myself for everything I've thought I should be or I should do. (Well I'm trying to.) I forgive myself for not being perfect. I say that again. I forgive myself for not being perfect!!
I have uncovered a core belief I have. It's that I must be perfect. I didn't realize this was existing in me AS MUCH as it was/is. You see, I am messy, unorganized, unruly, and rebellious so it would seem that perfection is not important to me. What actually is going on is giving up. I strive for perfection and half way through realize I can't get it perfect, it will never be perfect. My perfectionism is impossible in this world. No matter how hard i try it will NEVER be perfect, so I give up. I give up because if I kept striving for something I know i can't achieve then I would fall short, i would be a failure. In order to "protect" myself from this I have blocked out my perfectionist-ness. It creeps up on me, and often I am down on myself and not exactly knowing why. I have touched on this perfect topic many times, but I still haven't released it fully.
I don't know the answer. I don't know how to make it all okay. I don't know.
But I forgive myself, as hard as that seems at this moment. I still have that belief "you should be perfect, you don't get to be forgiven." But there is this deep calm, deep love, I weep in the presence of such love. It feels like a long time since I allowed this love in.
Deep suction, deep inner pink,
fuzzy, soft, glow singing gently
motherly embrace
as I cry my tears, she holds me tight
"You are perfect" she says but how can I be?
She smiles and looks to me, those eyes,
their mine,
this comfort,
its me,
that beautiful voice,
is mine.
Like a million stars integrated into one being
pushing each other, feeling unloved and forgotten
"what about me?"
soft light blue light sweeps in dusting the darkness away
An empty room
I sit in sweet silence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMhSTYStP6o This beautyfilled song is by Cora Flora, A beautiful soul sister.
